On Strength

/ Alyxander James / 2 Comments

I went to a tarot class last night. It was my first time reading and learning in a social setting with (mostly) strangers, and it was a lot of fun. The format of the class was straightforward: the first half focused on the meanings and symbols and significance of a single card, while the second half focused on a couple of readings riffing on the theme of the card. 

The particular card that was tonight’s focus was Strength, and as a starting point, the facilitator had us go around the table, introduce ourselves, and share how we defined strength, and how we defined weakness. 

Therewere definite themes that carried across all of our answers. Strength is mastery of self, acknowledgement of need, choosing to do what is necessary in spite of crippling self-doubt. Weakness is allowing oneself to be mastered by fear, refusing to admit ignorance, sitting by while external forces call the shots in one’s life. 

As a Bipolar person, a queer person, and a transgender person, I have been commended by many people for my strength. I’m never quite sure how to feel about this. Sometimes feels like “strength” really means “ability to pass for ‘normal,'” which is distressing and problematic. And, really, I don’t think I’m strong for those reasons exactly. 

Strength, to me, is self-awareness and self-determination. It’s asking for help when I need it. It’s choosing to deal with my shit instead of pretending it doesn’t exist. It’s mastery of impulsiveness and emotion. It’s honesty. 

And it’s amplified by the people I have chosen to surround myself with. In those moments when I need to reach out for help, I don’t have to reach very far. When I can’t support myself, I have a community who will support me, just as I support them when they’re struggling. Individually, we are awesome. Together, we are greater than the sum of our parts. 

There is strength in solitude, and there is strength in numbers. I am lucky to have known a taste of both. 

Journeys Old and New

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

I feel like the past week has been a bit of a roller coaster. From a lovely weekend of domesticity to the incredibly sad news of the passing of a kind knitting acquaintance to some family-related angst, all while wrestling with intermittent vertigo (a hanger-on from the cold that laid me out last week)…it feels like there are a lot of things I could talk about for this week’s blog, which is giving me a different sort of “what do I write about this week?” struggle than is usually the case.

Yesterday my newest tarot deck arrived in the mail. It’s the simplest and, in some ways, most abstract of the decks that I own. It’s called the Nømad Tarot, and is a lovely thing of deep, dark navy (nearly black) backgrounds with white edges and white line drawings. The cards have a gorgeous linen finish and are a joy to shuffle, and I’m super excited to start working with it.

The deck was a bit of an impulse purchase. I’d been looking at it off and on for many months, but I still felt a little apprehensive after placing the order – I had been wrestling with the impulse to order a new deck over the weekend, weighing the fact that I really like the collection I’ve got against this feeling like there was a certain element missing from that collection. I debated back and forth among three different options (all of which had been on my wish list for ages) before finally caving and going for the one that seemed like the best combination of characteristics that would make it fit what I was missing.

Now that it’s here, I’m happy with it. I’m glad I went ahead and did something to get me a little more excited about meditation again, because I fell out of the habit a month or so ago, and I’m realizing more and more that it’s a habit that I really need to get back into for the sake of my overall well-being.

The fact that it’s called the Nomad Tarot feels fitting for this place of movement that I’m finding myself in – movement in relationships, in identities, in beliefs.

For the creature of habit and ritual that I am at heart, the fact that my life has been sort of ruled by regular upheaval for the past several years can be kind of exhausting. At the same time, it’s an exciting journey that’s taken me to places and people I never would have dreamed were possible.

So here’s to movement, and change, and not getting stuck in a rut. There are lessons to be learned in the stuck places, for sure…but I’m ready to get back to forward motion.

Sickness and Silver Linings

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I’m writing this on the bus on my way to work. Yesterday, I stayed home sick. I couldn’t manage to drag myself out of bed until 1pm, and I neglected to write a blog post for this morning. I wanted to stay home today, too – I’m still feeling pretty under the weather. But there are too many things I need to get done today, and I don’t have enough sick time left, anyway. 

It’s been a week of emotional processing. I’m thinking a lot about the future and what I want the next year to look like. Nothing is concrete enough yet to write about in detail here, but my mind has spent a lot of time racing lately. 

In the midst of all the mental chaos, though, have been reminders of how good I really have it. My partner’s dad visited us last weekend and helped us acquire and move around some furniture, and our apartment is feeling more like a home than it ever has. I’ve gotten to spend some great time with friends, including one friend who is moving away soon, so that time has been particularly special. I’ve gotten back to knitting after about a week of ignoring it.

My mind may be struggling a bit, but really, things are okay. And there’s the promise of improvement, which is always exciting. I just need to remember. 

Anonymous Mail

/ Alyxander James / 1 Comment

To the person who sent me anonymous mail this week:

It arrived in my mailbox on Tuesday: a small, thin envelope addressed to “A. J. Hanson”. Inside the envelope was an index card, filled front and back with bible verses.

You didn’t list your name or address anywhere on the envelope or card, and I don’t recognize your handwriting, but I have a few guesses about who you are. The fact that you addressed the card to “A.J.” offered a pretty big hint, because literally no one else in my life outside of my family has a problem calling me by my name. The card was postmarked from Minneapolis, which further narrows down the possibilities.

On the one hand, I’d like to believe that this was a well-intentioned gesture.

On the other hand, the fact that you neglected to attach your name to this note in any way makes me think that you had at least some inkling that I might not take it well.

For future reference: that’s an inkling you should listen to. Your gut tells you someone might find something you’re thinking about sending offensive? Maybe don’t send it.

Here’s the thing: I get that you take comfort in the scriptures of your religion, and that you want to share that comfort with everyone. I get that you probably feel personally responsible for the eternal destination of the souls of the people you know. I respect that this is a belief system that works for you.

But it doesn’t work for me, and hasn’t for a long time now. So when you send anonymous collections of verses about how Jesus loves me and is trying to win me back, I don’t feel comforted. I feel disrespected. I feel like my space is being invaded. I feel like the reality of how I move through the world is being invalidated. And I feel like I will never fucking escape from the disrespectful, invasive, and invalidating behavior of my family unless I move to a new home and don’t pass along a forwarding address.

Five months ago, I wrote to my family and asked for space. The only person to respond was my father, who said he would respect my request. That hasn’t happened. I find a note in my mailbox from him every couple of weeks, talking about how much he thinks of me and wants to come back to a place of greater communication. I recognize that he (and probably a lot of other people) believe this to be coming from a place of love.

I don’t feel loved. I feel harassed.

Unsurprisingly, I feel similarly harassed by anonymous messages trying to get me to come back to a faith that neither makes sense to me nor makes me feel welcome.

So next time you think you’re going to be a good Christian and anonymously send bible verses to the queer-as-fuck, transgender pagan of the family, please: just don’t. I respect that your faith works for you. Please let my soul be my own responsibility, and save us both a great deal of headache and frustration.

Sincerely,

Alyxander James

Sweaters and Self-Care

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Last month, I probably mentioned once or twice that I was working on a sweater, one that I hoped to have finished by the time I went on my camping trip.

Well, I finished it…but when I blocked it, it grew at least six inches in length, and didn’t gain the couple of inches in circumference that I needed, and long story short, it doesn’t fit at all.

I was so disappointed…I’d put so much effort into the sweater, and the finishing work (reinforcing the button band and sewing on the buttons) was spot-on. A lot of friends tried to give me suggestions of ways I could try fixing it, but…well, I’d have to remove the buttons and reinforcing ribbon from the button band to try any of them, and I really don’t think anything is going to make it fit the way I want it to.

I finished the sweater on a Wednesday. Thursday is knit night at our favorite local yarn store, and I decided that, rather than be totally demoralized (or, you know, work on any of the other three sweaters I have in progress…), I was going to buy yarn that I had used before (and therefore could predict how it would block out), and start a swatch for a new sweater.

I didn’t get started on the actual sweater itself until this past weekend, but I’ve already got one sleeve done, and have started on the second one. It’s a very basic pattern (the only particularly interesting feature is a couple of cables on the front panel, which I’m saving for last), so it’s been some very soothing knitting that I’ve been able to work on while reading and thinking (and, sometimes, just staring off into space).

Sometimes, self-care looks like mindless sweater knitting.

And sometimes, self-care is finally contacting the therapist whose business card you’ve been carrying around for two weeks, and making an appointment.

As of this past Monday, I am officially back in therapy. I’ve got some shit to work through, some major emotional processing that I’ve been avoiding for months. It’s a little overwhelming and scary, but I know in the end it’s exactly what needs to happen, both for my own sake and the sake of everyone I interact with.

Returning to Reality

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Last weekend, I finally went on the solo retreat I’d been planning for over a month. I went camping by myself up north near Lake Superior.

Before I left, I had sketched out a rough plan for what I wanted to get done while I was away. I was going to spend a lot of time meditating and playing my guitar and hiking around the north woods.

Almost none of that happened. The weekend wound up being somewhat different (at least in terms of activities) than I had planned…but it turned out to be exactly what I needed:

  • I didn’t talk more than was absolutely necessary. (I was appropriately charming with the waitstaff and cashiers I encountered, but other than that, I didn’t say much.)
  • I didn’t check social media at all. (I had my phone on so I could use the flashlight feature and keep track of the weather, but it spent most of the time in airplane mode.)
  • I rested. I went to bed ridiculously early both nights I was camping, and spend a fair bit of one of the days napping as I listened to the wind ruffle the leaves of the trees.
  • I spent a lot of time thinking, but not much time worrying.
  • After I was done camping, I spent a little bit of time debriefing and catching up with a couple of particularly dear people.

And then I came home, feeling much more human and much more alive than I’d felt in several weeks. I have a lot more thinking to do, and there are other things that need to be done in order to stay in a place where I feel human and alive. But taking time to be quiet and relax seems to have been an important first step.

Help

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I’m writing this on Wednesday evening, feeling pretty rough around the edges without much reason. The dysphoria monster has been hanging around a lot lately, which is not something I’m good at dealing with. I’m finding that no matter how great individual moments may be, my days have been feeling a little dreary overall.

I’m doing things to change this, slowly but surely. My little solo camping retreat is fast approaching, which I think will be a big help. I’ve had setbacks, but am (I hope) getting closer to finding a therapist. My partner and I went to three different shows to see two bands last week, which included a whole series of adventures and a lot to be grateful for.

One thing I find to be enormously helpful in the moments when I am not doing well is to try to do something to make someone else’s life a little easier. With that in mind, rather than write the long-winded, whiny blog post that my brain is trying to get me to write, I’m instead going to use this week’s post to boost support for a friend.

There are plenty of details at this link here, but what I can tell you is that my buddy Billy is one of the most genuinely wonderful human beings I have ever had the privilege of meeting. I would be hard-pressed to think of anyone else that I know who is so committed to investing in their community as much as Billy gives back to his. He’s hit a rough patch recently, which has not stopped him at all from being an incredible, generous person (which, knowing Billy, is at once impressive and predictable).

I know a lot of people are going through some stuff right now and money is tight, but if you can give Billy a hand, either by throwing a few dollars his way or by signal boosting the fundraiser, I’d appreciate it, and I know he would, too.

Music Break!

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I don’t have a lot to write about this week. Truthfully, despite the fact that I get a bunch of days off this month and the weather has been beautiful and I’m very nearly done with the sweater I’ve been working on, I’ve been feeling a little down. This week, though, we’re planning to go to three shows to hear some of our favorite musicians perform, which seems like just the pick-me-up I’ve been needing.

Since music is sort of the theme of the week for me, rather than write a regular blog post, I thought I’d share a song I wrote back in June and just finally got around to recording the other day. Enjoy!

A Few Happy Thoughts

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My brain is all over the place this week, so for simplicity’s sake, here’s a (very) short list of some happy things from this week.

  1. I’m about 75% done with the sweater I’ve been working on knitting, which means I knit about half a sweater in about nine days. I have no idea how this has happened, but I’m quite pleased that it did.
  2. Yesterday, I was able to have a ten-minute check-in conversation with my boss for the first time since she moved to Israel two weeks ago. We’d been having a hell of a time getting audio to work; now that we’ve gotten that far, we’re hoping video conferencing is in our near future.
  3. I’m planning things. Not a lot that’s too concrete yet, but it’s getting there. Learning how to dream again, and to think more than a week or two out, is terrifying and wonderful all at once.

Dreams and Schemes

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It’s been a week of weird (and sometimes unsettling) dreams, which have run the gamut from unknown attackers trying to kill me to being unable to beat a level of a video game. It’s been full of particularly restless nights and disorienting awakenings. I think it’s a sign that I’m heading into a more manic phase. I’m in that space where my body is constantly tired and achy, but my brain is running a thousand miles a minute, and I’m just hanging on and hoping to reach equilibrium relatively soon.

With the arrival of September comes my month of shortened work weeks thanks to the variety of Jewish holidays that are happening (I am not Jewish, but my employer is), which I suppose makes this as good a time as any for me to be more than a little distracted.

The one area in which I’ve been strangely focused the past several days has been my knitting. By the time this post goes up, I will have finished the second sleeve of one of the sweaters I have on the needles (with plans to start the body at knit night tonight), and I’ve gotten it into my head that I should finish this thing in time for a little solo retreat up north that I’ve planned for myself at the end of the month. In theory, it should be possible…we’ll see if my enthusiasm is maintained over the next couple of weeks (and if the weather cooperates and goes back to some sort of reasonable fall range of temperatures so I can actually wear the damn thing).

I’m getting excited about the aforementioned solo retreat. I’m not particularly outdoorsy if I’m truly honest with myself – I quite like the convenience of city life (and air conditioning, at this time of year) – but I go a little mad if I don’t get out in nature on occasion. So I’m renting a car and going camping for a couple of nights (in a tent, but armed with a cot – I’ve come to grips with the fact that I can’t sleep on the ground anymore), and bringing my guitar and my tarot cards and journaling materials and a camera, turning off my phone, and spending a few days getting reacquainted with myself as an introvert. I’m not making a lot of firm plans for my time, so I’m not particularly worried about anything not going as planned (aside from weather, which I am confident I can work around). My hope is that disengaging from my usual routine for a few days will allow me to come back at it feeling refreshed and refocused.

Until then, I’ll be spending most of my time adjusting to life at the office without my boss on site, and knitting like mad. While I’m not thrilled with how achy my body is, in general I’m looking forward to the adventures that September has in store.