feelings

Things are Looking Up

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Last week was awfully full of feelings, many of them rather negative.

This past week has been full of feelings, too, but largely of a more positive variety.

Last Thursday night, my partner and I went to a songwriting workshop at the Old Town School put on by one of Mouths of Babes, one of our favorite folk duos. It was phenomenal and inspiring and made me want to write all the songs.

I haven’t really had time yet to start on writing all the songs, though. Friday morning I picked up a giant rental SUV before work, and that evening, my partner and I went to IKEA, where we picked up four pieces of furniture and a handful of other organizational tools. Saturday was spent building furniture and rearranging most of our apartment. We finished up Sunday, and even had time to go to MSI with a friend and then to a Mouths of Babes concert (which was also phenomenal and inspiring).

And then Monday came.

Monday evening, a friend arrived in town who will be staying with us for a total of almost two weeks. My partner and I can’t take any time off during the week, but we’re looking forward to playing tourist a bit over the weekend and take advantage of some city sites we haven’t taken in yet in the 3+ years we’ve lived here!

But before that, on Monday, I worked half a day, and then went to a consultation appointment with a surgeon here in Chicago who, among other things, performs gender-affirming chest masculinization surgery for transmasculine folks.

The appointment went really, really well – the surgeon was charming and knowledgeable, and considering the rather intense anxiety I generally have regarding medical facilities, professionals, and procedures, I felt surprisingly safe.

Long story short, I set a date for surgery, so come October, I will be getting two literal weights off my chest. I am unbelievably happy, and far less anxious than I was a week ago now that I have that giant unknown better nailed down.

Feelings

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

It’s been a week of feelings.

I’ve been in a manic headspace for a couple of weeks now, which usually means I’m in a pretty good mood…except when it means that I’m just super anxious about everything and nothing, which is what it’s been this week in particular.

Sunday was Mother’s Day. I had to excuse myself from social media halfway through the day, because I was blindsided by a lot of emotions (none of them particularly nice) as I saw post after post from people who have lovely relationships with their mothers. I’m happy for those people. I really am. But…well, there was a time in my life, back toward the beginning of college, when I had a pretty good relationship with my mother. Then I came out as queer, and our relationship was strained, but we tried to make it work. I started dating my partner, and he came out as trans, and my mother didn’t know how to handle that. Hurtful things were done, and the strained relationship started to fracture. Then I came out as trans, and I tried to pretend I didn’t care when she consistently misgendered me and called me by my old name, but eventually, I couldn’t do it anymore. I don’t currently have a relationship with my mother, and I can’t currently imagine a world in which she accepts me as her son. And I thought I’d worked through most of those feelings in the year it’s been since I cut off contact with my family of origin, but then Mother’s Day rolled through like a sucker punch to the gut, and I was thrown into the weird space that is SadManicBrain, which is sort of like DepressedBrain, except that I still have some energy and feel all the things, instead of almost none of the things.

Tuesday morning I was supposed to have my consultation appointment for top surgery. Monday morning I got a call from the very apologetic scheduling person at the surgeon’s office, saying they had to reschedule me to next week due to an emergency surgery. I spent much of the rest of Monday feeling miserable and fighting off anxiety attacks.

The week is getting progressively better, but I’m kind of exhausted from the number of different feelings that have been rocketing around in my ManicBrain in the past five days. I’m getting better at just kind of letting them come, though. As with everything else, this too shall pass.