life

Vertigo

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Sorry for the late post today, friends! I’m all sorts of scattered this week.

I’ve been fighting a cold for a few days. Yesterday, I woke up, rolled over in bed, and the room started spinning. Now, this happens sometimes when I’m sick – my ears get a little plugged and it messes with my balance. Usually, if I can get myself upright, it settles down pretty quickly. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen yesterday.

Half an hour after getting up, when I found I still had to hang onto things in order to get around the apartment, I gave up and called in sick to work. I spent most of the day on the couch. I tried to stay hydrated, and took as much cold medicine as was reasonable and safe. That vertigo lasted the whole damn day – while it was better by the time I went to bed than it had been when I got up, it never really disappeared entirely. It was really frustrating. I frequently feel like my body is a bit of a traitor to the rest of me…chronic pain and other related issues often prevent me from doing as much as I’d like to do. This felt like another in a long line of times when my body betrayed me.

Thankfully, I’m feeling much better this morning (still occasionally having moments where I’m a little dizzy, but nothing like yesterday), so I’m at work and trying to catch up on everything I missed yesterday. And really, I can’t complain too much – we’re entering the season of many weeks of Jewish holidays, so I have a lot of free time in the next few weeks.

Moments of Gratitude

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

I have been struggling a bit this week. Something is wrong with my back – it hurts in ways that make it hard to move, but it gets worse the longer I hold still (like when I’m sleeping). I’m also fighting off a cold, with less success than I’d like. And, as often seems to happen after a vacation, all the little parts of my job that are frustrating and unsatisfying feel magnified right now.

So in light of all of this, I thought it would be a good exercise to focus this blog on a few things I’m grateful for today. In no particular order:

  • Cooler weather. After several days of pretty unbearable heat and humidity that made me feel like I was constantly about to melt, the heat finally broke Tuesday night, and yesterday and today have been lovely. We were able to open the windows in our apartment and air the place out a bit, which has been really nice (and was really necessary).
  • Musical encouragement. We’ve been keeping in touch with some of the friends we made at Song School as a way to encourage each other to keep writing. Also, at my agency’s employee appreciation event on Tuesday, I had the opportunity to perform one of my songs. It went well, and the feedback was really lovely and encouraging.
  • Impending holidays. My favorite part about working for a Jewish agency is all the extra paid holidays we get off. The high holy days are coming up starting in a couple of weeks, and I don’t work a single five-day week in September. I am definitely looking forward to that.

Song School, and Returning to Reality

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers! You may remember that I took last week off from the blog because I was busy unplugging at Song School.

The week at Song School was…well, pretty incredible. We made new friends and connected with old ones, we got some writing done, we learned a ton. I don’t have adequate words to describe the experience (largely because I am exhausted and struggling with re-entry into real life), so here are some pictures.

The St. Vrain

The St. Vrain

Friends!

Friends!

Group sing in the St. Vrain

Group sing in the St. Vrain

Performing

Performing

Singing with friends

Singing with friends

It was truly an amazing week, and I left feeling like my head was full to bursting with new lessons learned and my heart was full of gratitude.

Re-entering real life has been a struggle. Going back to work this week has been rough and overwhelming. But I am so glad we were able to go. I am also glad to be back to sleeping in my own bed.

Music, Music Everywhere

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

It’s a musical time of year.

Monday night, I had my first gig in about four months. I was nervous, but I actually ended up having a lot of fun. There were some magical moments where the whole room went silent while I was playing, which was super gratifying.

The downside of Monday night gigs is that Tuesday is a work day. I didn’t get home until about midnight Monday night, and I struggled to wake up Tuesday morning. It was worth it, though.

Tuesday night I had songwriting class. Usually I end up writing my song for the week’s class on Sunday or Monday night, but I was weirdly on top of things last week (knowing I wanted time to practice for Monday), and had written my song on Wednesday. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to remember it. Thankfully, I had a quick voice memo recording on my phone to refresh my memory. I love my songwriting class – I love the community of songwriters that I am part of. They’re good people. Class is always a highlight of my week.

And somehow, we are now only a couple of weeks away from Song School! I am excited and nervous and am planning to sit down this evening to start making lists to help mitigate the nervousness. We met so many wonderful people and had such a fantastic time last year, and I can’t wait to be back in Colorado.

I’d love to hear what is bringing you joy this summer, friends! What fun are you having these days?

Sleepy Starts

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

I’ve been having a very sleepy couple of weeks.

When July started, I had these grand plans of getting up early every day. It…has not gone well. I’m learning that if I don’t get up as soon as my alarm goes off (or whenever I first wake up on my own before my alarm), it gets progressively harder to get up. I’m a little disappointed in myself for not having a better handle on mornings.

On the other hand, a lot of my other goals for the month are getting accomplished. I’m walking more, I’m impulse spending less, and I’m getting a lot done at work. So there’s that.

On Monday night, I have my first gig in a few months. I’m nervous about it – despite being in songwriting classes consistently, the creative well has felt rather dry lately. I feel like I’m fumbling around on my guitar, and writing lyrics is often like pulling teeth. I know I just need to keep showing up and working through it, but it is pretty overwhelming. Still, I’m going to play on Monday and try to work in some new stuff. We’ll see how it goes!

Temperature Regulation

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers! First, allow me to apologize for the lack of blog last week. The site crashed on Tuesday night and I didn’t have time until Thursday morning to deal with it. Thankfully, we’re back up and running. And now, on to the blog!

As appeared to be the case in much of the northern hemisphere last week, it was HOT in Chicago (with the added midwestern bonus of humidity on top of that). I…don’t cope well with heat. I’ve been having some issues regulating my body temperature anyway (I seem to never be cold when everyone around me says it’s freezing indoors), and then our air conditioner went on strike in protest of having to work so hard to keep up. So last week was pretty miserable a lot of the time, and I was pretty focused on just getting through it. The heat finally broke over the weekend, and that was absolutely lovely.

This week has been more manageable in terms of temperature, and after giving our air conditioner a cleaning over the weekend, it seems to be working better. I still feel gross a lot of the time, but it’s better than last week.

Despite the weather, there’s been a lot to be happy about the past couple of weeks. Here are a few of those things:

  1. Good movies. In an effort to be in better air conditioning than what our sad little window unit could provide, we went to about as many movies in the space of a week as we often do in a year, and they were all great. We saw Ocean’s 8, which totally lived up to the trailers, Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, the Mister Rogers documentary, which left the audience in sniffles, and Incredibles 2, which was hilarious and adorable. All highly recommended.
  2. Good friends. Between seeing movies and just making some other plans, I got to see a lot of friends in the past couple of weeks, including a couple we almost never get to see anymore. That was lovely.
  3. Good news. While yes, there’s been a lot in the news to be horrified about, I’ve gotten some personal good news at work – I got a bonus, and managed to move some projects I’d kind of been dreading forward with a minimal amount of distress.
/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

This is one of those weeks where I feel like I don’t have a lot to say. I’m less down than I was last week, but still rather out of it. So let’s keep this one short and sweet. Here’s a list of three things that have made me smile this week:

  1. Nerdery. Last weekend I spent many hours with fellow nerds playing DnD. Before I went to each of the two games, I was feeling pretty blah. But I’m so glad I went! Few things make me as happy as collaborative storytelling with friends.
  2. Music. On Sunday, my partner and I participated in our songwriting class’s end-of-session showcase. These showcases are always fun and always make me appreciate the songwriting community we’re part of.
  3. Friends. I’ve had a lot of reminders this week that I have a great support network holding me up. I’m grateful for all of the people who stick by me even when my brain is misbehaving.

Down

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

I’ll be honest with you, dear readers: I’m not feeling great. I’m currently being paid a visit by the Depression Monster. While nothing in my life is logically all that awful, there have been enough hard things lately (not to mention the dumpster fire of global issues in the news) to trigger a downswing in my Bipolar cycle.

The good news is that my recent med adjustment seems to be helping: I’m not particularly anxious. The bad news is…well, I’m depressed, and there’s no anxiety to distract from that. I have to grapple with it head-on, and I’m out of practice with that.

I know that my brain will even itself back out in the end. This current space is just a hard one to occupy, especially when the whole world feels like it’s burning.

Which, I guess, is all to say: hang in there, friends. I know I’m not the only one struggling. Hold your loved ones close and prop each other up. None of us can do this alone, but together, we’ve got a fighting chance.

Start Another Year

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

On Sunday, I turned 30, and I can’t imagine having a better time doing it.

I woke up a little later than I’d planned, but still early enough to write my morning pages before the day got underway. We went and got breakfast at Smack Dab, one of our favorite local breakfast and coffee spots, and it was a delicious way to kick off the birthday festivities.

Next, we walked over to our neighborhood farmers’ market and picked up a bunch of fresh produce.

After the farmers’ market, we went home and listened to podcasts while we knit. It’s something of a weekend tradition at our house, and it was lovely and relaxing to incorporate our routines into my birthday.

After a couple hours of knitting and podcast-listening, we decided to walk to the restaurant where we were getting lunch. I got to indulge in my favorite gluten-free beer and an incredible gluten-free fancy grilled cheese sandwich.

Our final outside-the-house stop was at Women and Children First, where we each ended up picking up three books and decided to make a pact that we’re not allowed to go back there until we each finish the books we bought.

The rest of the evening was spent with more knitting and relaxing. It was truly a lovely day, and between the day itself and all the sweet messages I received on social media, I felt very loved and very ready to enter into a new decade of my life. Thanks to everyone who made me feel so special!

And as a bonus, I leave you with a picture of the completed LEGO set my partner gave me as a present, which we assembled together last night:

LEGO “Women of NASA” set

Allergies and Optimism

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

I think I’m finally coming down from my most recent swing into mania. The frenetic activity in my brain has slowed (it never really ceases), and my anxiety has dropped from One Step Below Panic Attack back to Background Hum, at least most of the time.

This week, it really feels like spring is here and summer is right around the corner. I know it’s still spring because even though it’s been quite warm, there is pollen everywhere, which is making my head feel fuzzy and my sinuses cranky. But it’s hard to be too mad when everything’s finally leafing and blooming and alive.

I’m still planning to meet with a psychiatrist next week about a potential med adjustment. I’m still nervous, but I’m also glad I’ve gotten to the point where I’m doing something about the anxiety instead of just drowning in it.

All in all, even though it’s been a weird week, I think things are looking up. The weather has me feeling optimistic. I’ve had lots of reminders that I’ve built a really solid support network, and I’m so grateful for all the awesome people in my life that make the good times better and the hard times livable.