music

Feeling Spacey

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

I’m writing this on Wednesday night, approximately twenty minutes after I remembered it was Wednesday, which meant that tomorrow is Thursday, which meant I needed to write a blog. This is kind of how my week has been going, generally: I keep thinking it’s rather later in the week than it actually is, and I’m having a bit of trouble hanging onto coherent trains of thought long enough to be productive.

Still, despite feeling totally spaced out, it’s been a pretty good week all around:

  1. Last Thursday I made the last-minute decision to snag a ticket to the Welcome to Night Vale live show here in Chicago. It was absolutely incredible. The people involved in WTNV are so talented and engaging, and the musicians that accompanied them for the “weather” segment of the show were great, as well. Plus, I ran into friends while I was there, which was lovely.
  2. Thanks to the WTNV show, I’ve had some new music in my rotation this week, from artist Danny Schmidt. Mostly, I’ve had his song This Too Shall Pass on repeat for days.
  3. I really struggled to write a song for my songwriting class this week, and I really wanted to have something, because Tuesday was the last class of this session. I ended up abandoning the assignment entirely and chasing a concept that had been knocking about in my head for a couple of days. Turned out that was the right decision, because I really like the song I came up with (and it earned me a glitter unicorn sticker in class – the highest honor).
  4. While I’ve been anything but grounded this week, I’ve been thinking a lot about ways I can keep myself from flying too far off in whatever direction my brain is taking me. So far I’ve been pretty good at curbing impulses that will get me into trouble (mostly in regards to spending money), so that’s something, at least.
  5. Today I finally started reading Gender Failure by Rae Spoon and Ivan Coyote, which I picked up several months ago and hadn’t touched since. It’s SO GOOD. Highly recommend.

Catching Up

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Sorry for the late post today, folks! I usually write the week’s blog on Wednesday evening and schedule it for posting at 9am Thursday. Unfortunately, I was feeling feverish and gross all day yesterday, and wound up heading to bed super early. It didn’t even occur to me that today was Thursday and I should have a blog going up until I was almost asleep last night, and then I didn’t get a chance to write until right now.

This whole week I’ve been feeling one step behind. I’ve been fighting an as-yet-undecided battle with the horrible cold that hit my partner at the end of last week, which mostly means I’ve been super tired and not very good at staying focused on things that need to get done. Thankfully, work this week has been significantly less ridiculous than it’s been in a while, so I feel like even though I stayed home yesterday, I still have a chance of getting caught up…if I could just get my ass in gear and focus for a few hours, I might even get a little ahead of the game.

Focusing is hard, though. There are so many things I’d rather be doing than work (sleep ranking pretty highly among them). Still, I shouldn’t complain. I’ve got plenty to be happy and excited about right now:

  • Last weekend, we got to spend a significant amount of time hanging out with our knitting family. I’m grateful for the frequent reminders that my people are the best people.
  • After a few weeks of feeling a bit stuck on the songwriting front, I was really pleased with what I wrote for class this week (which was weird and rather unlike anything I’ve written before, but it worked).
  • Tomorrow, I’m going to the first session of a workshop series at the Old Town School about the music of Turlough O’Carolan. I pulled out my mandolin for the first time in eons in preparation for the workshop, and was pleasantly surprised to find that most of what I used to know came back. It’s like riding a bicycle, I guess (although I personally find mandolin playing a lot easier to get back into than bike riding, haha).

Momentum

/ Alyxander James / 3 Comments

A friend of mine who writes zines was commenting the other day about how much harder it is to find things to write about when life is going well, and I have to say, they’re totally right. I’ve been at a bit of a loss the past several weeks whenever I sit down to blog, because life is generally pretty good right now, and I don’t feel like I have much to process by blogging about it. And while life isn’t boring by any means, it’s definitely fallen into a routine, so I don’t often feel like I have big news to share here.

This week did have its particularly bright points, though, which include some exciting news:

  1. I finally finished the sweater I’ve been working on, and it turned out super handsome. I think it’s the best-fitting thing I’ve ever made for myself. I’m hoping to wear it to Yarn Con this weekend. Here’s a picture of me wearing it before I blocked it and wove in all the ends (I was being shy about posing, so my partner decided to pose me as a teapot to take the picture):
    IMG_1746
  2. I spent some time researching over the weekend, and on Sunday evening I contacted a surgeon here in Chicago who does gender-affirming surgeries. First thing Monday morning, I heard back from the patient coordinator (who was very friendly and helpful), and over my lunch break I ended up calling and scheduling a consultation for chest-masculinization surgery. I also sat down and took a hard look at my finances, and assuming I click with this surgeon and am able to move forward, I should be able to work out the financial side of surgery, and I’ll have enough PTO saved up to take the time off I’m expecting to need plus a little extra just in case.
  3. I signed up to play my second live show (not counting end-of-class showcases). It’s not until early May, so I have plenty of time to work out a solid set list. This time I know to prepare more than I think will fit in the allotted time, because I rush a bit when I’m nervous. I’ve written some stuff I’m actually pretty proud of since the last show I did back in January, so I’m excited to try it again.

Highlights

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I forgot to write up this post early, so here’s a quick one from my commute this morning about some highlights of the past week. 

  1. Over the weekend, I had the wonderful opportunity to participate in a little house concert with the members of my last songwriting class. We each invited a few superfans, and it was a beautiful, intimate, incredibly fun time. 
  2. The other exciting event of the weekend: my partner and I got to go to a special employee viewing of the new LEGO exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry. If you’re in Chicago, I highly recommend you go. The models are incredible. The whole thing made me feel like a kid again, in the best ways. 
  3. I’ve made a lot of progress on the sweater I’ve been working on, and I’m super excited about it. I don’t know that it’ll be done before the weather really turns warm, but it’s one that’s going to last me a good long time. It’s a beautiful, blue, cabled thing, and with any luck will be the best thing I’ve ever made. 

It’s Been a Long Week

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It hasn’t been a bad week, exactly. I wrapped up one songwriting class and started two new classes – another songwriting class and a guitar class that is already kicking my ass. I’ve been a little bit sick, but mostly in the typical-for-the-season sniffly way that is more a mild annoyance than anything. My debit card number was stolen, but the bank caught it right away, so even that wasn’t as terrible as it could have been.

I’m just…exhausted. I’m having stress dreams about work, which is absolutely a reflection of how I’ve been feeling at work every day. I’m swinging into a manic phase, which usually means more energy, but this time around is mostly resulting in restless nights and anxious days and me feeling like I’m running on empty.

So I’m trying to do little things to cheer myself up. Yesterday, I got a (much-needed, way overdue) haircut after work, which improved my mood immensely. I’ve been trying to remember, when I feel overwhelmed, to stop and do the little meditative visualization that made up the practical part of the druidry lesson that I’m on this week, and that does help. I started rereading (from the beginning) a web comic I’ve been enjoying for years. I’ve been listening to Welcome to Night Vale: A Novel on my lunch breaks and some of my commute. I’ve had Ben Wallace’s new album on heavy rotation in my daily soundtrack, occasionally switched up with a Bach cello suite.

And all of these things are helping. I’m okay, really, just tired and sometimes more on edge than I’d like to be. I have plenty of resources at my disposal, plenty of healthy ways to make myself feel more settled. I just need to remember to use them.

Pause and Reflect

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I’ve been in an introspective sort of place this past week.

Yesterday marked the last session of the songwriting class I’ve been in for the past eight weeks at the Old Town School of Folk Music. I’m 99% certain this is the first class where I haven’t missed a single day, and 100% certain this is the first class where I’ve done the assignment every single week. It’s been an incredible growing experience. I’ve tried new things, challenged myself…and I am overall very pleased with what I’ve written over the past two months. There were weeks where the first song I wrote was okay, but not as good as I thought I could do…so I wrote another one. I feel like I’m really finding my voice as a songwriter, and that’s a fun place to be in. Sue Demel has my eternal gratitude for teaching such a transformative course. It’s been a truly magical eight weeks with our little class of five. I’m excited to head back to Steve Dawson‘s class next week to continue this process of growth!

I’ve also been reflecting on less happy things. My nephew’s birthday is next week. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen a picture of him or heard anything about how he’s doing, and that hurts my heart more than I can say.

I feel a little bit all over the map emotionally, between those two lanes of reflection, but I’m trying to take concrete steps to take care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s a slow road, but I’m making progress. My goal for 2016 has been integration of the various parts of myself, and while that involves some hard work, I can feel the effort paying off in some ways already.

Making Music

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I have always, always loved music. Listening to music has always worked wonders for my unpredictable brain. It’s incredibly soothing. I enjoy music across most genres for a myriad of reasons. (Fun fact: when I’m manic, nothing brings me down and back to myself like putting on headphones and listening to heavy metal music. It’s the only thing that can keep up with the frenetic pace of ManicBrain.) But I also really love making music, and that’s becoming more of a focus in my life again. I’m really excited about a lot of what I’m writing, and I feel more of an urge to share it with the world instead of just playing for myself.

This week I’ve been wrestling with the fact that I am always wanting to learn new instruments, but that I need to be saving money and working with what I have, at least for this year, as I’ve got some big expenses coming up in the fall. Contentment is something I struggle with, along with patience and delayed gratification, but it’s something I need to learn.  So, I’m thinking I will need to focus on writing more than ever, and on expanding the skills that I have on the instruments that I already know how to play, so that I can do more interesting things with the music I write.

Last week I read this article about Apple’s new Music Memos app for the iPhone, and over the weekend I got a chance to play around with it. It is so cool and I’m super stoked about it – I’ve basically been telling all the musicians I know that they should try it.

I was pretty pleased with the song I wrote for my songwriting class last week, so I recorded it and stuck it up on my SoundCloud page. The guitar was recorded in Music Memos, where I also added the automatic drum and bass tracks. Then I exported it to GarageBand (also on my phone) and recorded vocals over it all. I’m really pleased with how it turned out – this is the closest I’ve ever come to hearing how one of my songs would sound if I played with a band, and it’s making me extra excited about making more music.

Ramblings

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First off, in case you missed it: I posted the audio of the show I played last week here.

And with that out of the way…I’m not totally sure what to write about this week. I’m still feeling fairly scattered. I’m still on the lower end of my bipolar cycle, which has been especially weird because things are going really well, generally speaking, and I have a lot of happy moments…but then I come down from the happy moments, skid past baseline, and find myself back in the land of sad for no real reason. It leaves me a bit befuddled every time, because how on earth can I be sad when there’s so much to be happy about? But it is what it is.

I think part of why I’m so scattered lately is that I would really love to just be doing creative things all the time, and that’s just not an option. I’m filling much of my free time with creativity, though, and that does help.

On the subject of things to be happy about – I’m really, really enjoying my new songwriting class. More than that, I’m really, really enjoying the songs that I’m writing! This is uncharted territory for me, but it’s fun so far. I actually had a moment this past week where I realized I could hear a harmony line to the song I’d written for class; that was a totally new experience, too.

I’m just wrapping up some creative work for 20% Theatre Company Twin Cities, putting together the book format for the script of their new show (The Naked I: Self-Defined, which opens in Minneapolis on February 12, and if you’re in town, you should absolutely buy tickets right now, because it’s going to be excellent). I’ve done the layout for the last two Naked I show scripts, and it’s always such an honor and a joy to be involved.

I have been knitting in fits and starts, much less frequently than I ordinarily would be at this time of year. I blame the weather – it’s been fluctuating quite a bit, and all my joints (including the ones in my hands) have been cranky because of it. As much as I’m thankful that it hasn’t been consistently miserably cold, I kind of wish Chicago would just pick a weather pattern and stick to it.

On that note, stay warm and well, folks; hopefully I’ll have something more interesting to write about next week!

Five (Somewhat Scattered) Thoughts

/ Alyxander James / 1 Comment
  1. The show on Monday went really, really well; I’m pleased to say I’m proud of the performance I gave. I recorded the audio of my songs, but I’m still trying to decide if/when/how I want to put it up online. [Edit: I’ve put it up divided into tracks here.]
  2. It’s fascinating to me that I’ve reached a point where I can actually enjoy listening to recordings of myself singing. i hated my voice for so long…it made me so uncomfortable. Now, it sounds…well, it sounds more like me. Last week, I pulled up some old recordings of myself from the year before we moved to Chicago, and it was more than a little surreal hearing this voice that apparently used to come out of my throat but that sounded like a completely different person.
  3. I need to rotate which instruments I play more frequently. After almost a year of mostly playing my guitar, switching back to the tenor guitar or mandolin is more of a challenge than I’d like to admit.
  4. I’ve been super distracted lately. While I’ve been riding a bit of a high since Monday night, I’m still definitely in a place of lower energy overall. My brain feels pretty scattered, and I’m casting about for a bit of direction.
  5. In light of the general scatteredness, I’m really grateful for the structure I have in my schedule these days. I’m also wishing I had a bit more. How do you find the line between structure and overscheduling? I don’t seem to be very good at it.

Stage Fright

/ Alyxander James / 3 Comments

Between classes at the Old Town School of Folk Music and chasing our favorite musician friends around the Midwest, over the past couple of years, music has been an increasingly important part of my life.

Music has always been one of my favorite ways to center and ground myself. I played the piano as a kid, and when I was home alone I would pour my soul out into the keys. I got out of the habit (and I no longer play the piano as well as I used to), but I’m trying to pick up a guitar or mandolin more often than I have been, because there’s something unspeakably soothing about music.

I’m writing this Wednesday morning, feeling a bit nervous about starting a new songwriting class Wednesday evening, taught by a teacher I’ve never met (but who I’ve only heard good things about). I know the crowd in Steve Dawson‘s classes well enough that it’s rather less terrifying to step into them than it is to face a room full of unknown entities.

Even more than that, though, I’m getting increasingly nervous about next Monday.

Next Monday, I am getting up on a stage by myself and playing a full 25-minute set of original songs.

Up to this point, I have never played more than two songs at a stretch on stage, and that’s been limited exclusively to songwriting class recitals and open mics. This is seven songs, a whole new experience, and while I’m definitely exited, I’m also…well…pretty terrified.

I know that chances are once I get up there and start playing, I’ll be fine. And even if I’m not fine, I doubt anyone in attendance will be throwing produce at me. If I fumble my way through all seven songs, then at least I’ll have made it through all seven.

Getting up in front of people and singing and playing words and music that I wrote is not an easy thing for my introverted, socially anxious self. But it’s something I’ve wanted to try for a long time, and this particular sort of anxiety is one that I find I need to face and force myself through once in a while, or it becomes paralyzing. So, we’ll see how it goes.