Hey there, readers! I’m late with this week’s post – sorry about that. The week got away from me.
The week has been a mixed bag. I ate something Monday that disagreed with me (possibly lettuce I didn’t wash well enough?), which meant I didn’t have therapy that night, which was…yeah, not the greatest. Tuesday I still felt off, so I ended up signing off from work a couple hours early. Wednesday was pretty nondescript, and today I ended up working over an hour past when I usually sign off, because my advice to a customer triggered a bug right before I was about to sign off. Sigh.
It’s also just been an emotionally tender week. COVID keeps creeping closer, and it’s scary and sad.
But tonight I made quesadillas and we watched Dolly Parton read a bedtime story, so that was nice?
It’s Thursday, and I’m having one of those weeks where Friday and the weekend can’t come soon enough. I worked from home Tuesday and called off entirely yesterday. Some of this week is a mental battle – it’s been pretty grey and dreary outside all week, and it’s hard to feel motivated when the sun doesn’t rise until after 7am and sets around when I’m getting out of work.
A large part of the challenge this week has been physical, though. My hands and arms have been aching in a way they haven’t really before, at least not so consistently. Since my job and all of my hobbies involve my hands, this is…distressing. There have been things this week that I just haven’t been able to do, because it hurts when I try.
My partner has been super great and supportive while I figure out what to do about this and has stepped up where I’ve had to step back. I feel guilty, leaving so many things to him. It doesn’t feel fair, and that’s a hard thing for this Hufflepuff to get past.
I need to call the PT clinic I tried reaching out to online that never got back to me. It would be the most convenient possible location. But the thought of calling is exhausting.
The good news is that I started taking a mountain dulcimer class at the Old Town School last week, and it’s easier on my hands than most of the other instruments that I play. So I can still make music, even if I feel like I can’t do much else.
I know I’ll figure out better ways of dealing with this as time goes on. Right now, though, it is no fun and I am pretty cranky about it.
I think I mentioned last week that after I wrote my goals last year, I didn’t look at them again until I was doing my review of the year. That’s how goals go for me pretty often. I have a hard time sticking to them and keeping track of them.
I got a shiny new planner this week (inspired by a friend’s planner purchase), and I’m using it to try to better track my progress on my goals. This is not the first time I’ve tried using a planner to do this (I have a bit of a planner obsession, really), but this one seems to fit how my brain works better than others have. (It’s the Clever Fox Premium Weekly, for the interested.)
I think part of my struggle with goals is that if I mess up once, my brain tells me I’ve failed, period, and I should just give up. I don’t often think of myself as a perfectionist these days, but I definitely have those all-or-nothing tendencies.
So this week I’ve been trying, and then working on being gentle with myself if I fall short. I’m trying to establish a new, earlier morning routine, which is hard, and I haven’t succeeded every day. But I’ve done better than I honestly thought I would, so that’s something.
The new year is hard. No matter how much I tell myself it’s an arbitrary marker of time, it’s hard to ignore the “time for a fresh start” energy everywhere. There’s a lot of pressure to improve.
One of my Facebook friends posted one of their resolutions as something like “eat the elephant (one bite at a time),” and that’s an attitude I’m trying to adopt. I’m shooting for some big shifts in 2020, and the only way to get them done is one bite at a time.
I have a tendency to set intentions and create resolutions at the beginning of the year and then never look at them again. That kind of happened in 2019. However, I looked back at my first post from 2019, when I laid out goals for the year, and even though I hadn’t looked back on them at all as the year progressed…it turns out I actually accomplished most of them? So that’s cool.
Let’s take a look back and a look forward, shall we?
Goals I had at the beginning of 2019, and progress on those goals:
Find a new therapist
I found a new therapist in January, and it was, on the whole, the most productive year of my life, in terms of therapy. I’ve been working through all sorts of things and feel like I’ve greatly increased my capacity for handling shit that comes up.
We’re on our way back to Chicago today, but we’ve been in Minnesota since Sunday celebrating Christmas with our families. It’s been a good week. Here are some highlights:
We learned that the coffee shop where we had our first date is closing at the end of the year. We tried to go to say goodbye, but they were closed until Friday, so we went for a selfie outside.
We made the questionable decision to go shopping on Christmas Eve. Found this giant moose made of lights at the mall.
We celebrated with my partner’s extended family, and his aunt made me a stocking like she’s made for everyone else in the family. His family has always been welcoming, but this was an extra sweet reminder that I belong.
We celebrated with my family, and my nephew was very excited to see us. We got many hugs, which were the best presents (which is saying something, because the other presents were also lovely)!
We had a smaller celebration on Christmas Day with my partner’s immediate family. I made the Yorkshire puddings this year from a recipe by Nancy Birtwhistle of Great British Bake-off fame, and they turned out so great!
It’s been a lovely week. I’m writing this Christmas night and feeling very loved and content. I do NOT want to go back to work on Friday, but that is what it is.
I hope you’re all having your own lovely winter holiday season, whatever that looks like for you. If you’re not, I hope you can take comfort in the fact that we’re slowly returning to the light now that we’re past the Solstice.
Greetings, readers, from the shiny new Accidental Fudge site! Here’s hoping the links to these posts that populate to Facebook actually work now.
The holidays are upon us. This is, on the one hand, a lovely time of year – it’s festive and there are happy twinkling lights all over my neighborhood and we’re going to take some time off work to go visit family. On the other hand, this is a really challenging time of year – it’s dark around 4pm, my partner’s work is bonkers and leaving him exhausted, and there’s so much pressure to participate in the unfettered commercialism of the season. I feel like I’m never going to have money again.
It’s also the season where we’re all sniffling and pretending we’re not sick, which is a different kind of no fun.
Tonight, I am volunteering at the Old Town School. Tomorrow night, we’re wrapping presents and packing for our trip. Saturday morning, I’ll pick up the rental car, and then when my partner’s done with work, I’ll pick him up and we’ll start driving. I’m a little overwhelmed. It’ll be fun, and whatever we get done, we get done. But it does feel like there’s a lot to do between now and Saturday night.
Next week’s blog may be a little late, as we’ll be on the road on Thursday.
Whatever holiday celebrations you are or are not participating in, I hope your season is filled with love and twinkling lights.
A few weeks ago, I saw a new-to-me rheumatologist. The last time I’d been to a rheumatologist to try to pin down the nature of the chronic pain I deal with was about two years ago, and it did not go well – he essentially only listened to the parts of my story that supported the narrative he constructed as soon as he saw me, which was clearly that I only hurt because I’m fat. (To which my primary care doc later pointed out: “That might contribute, but then why do your elbows hurt?)
I finally worked up the courage to try again last month, and it went better than I expected it to. The rheumatologist listened to my concerns, and seems committed to helping me address them.
Today I am going back for an EMG – a nerve conduction study. I am nervous (pun kind of intended) about it, mostly because I don’t entirely know what to expect. I’m afraid to get my hopes up about anything conclusive coming out of this. But it’s farther than I’ve gotten before with this process. So…baby steps forward.
I’m also trying desperately to fight off the cold that kept my partner home from work earlier this week. I can feel it coming on. I feel like I’ve been dealing with low-grade yuck like this for months, but it feels like it’s getting worse again this week. Sigh.
I replaced my phone this week. I had still been using an iPhone SE, and the battery was not able to keep up anymore – I basically had to recharge at least once in the middle of the day, every day. So now I have a shiny new iPhone 11. The cameras are bonkers, they’re so much better than what I had before. And it’s purple, which is delightful.
Sometimes, having a body is exhausting. This feels like one of those weeks.
Last Thursday I had an unexpectedly positive experience at a new rheumatologist’s office, and I’m feeling a little more hopeful that this one will actually try to figure out what is behind the chronic pain I deal with (as opposed to the last one, who basically just wrote it off as, “because you’re fat”). So that’s a happy thing.
Monday, in the middle of a staff meeting, I felt my back seizing up. I needed to stand but felt like I couldn’t (because everyone else was sitting and I felt the social pressure of not drawing attention to myself), and as a consequence have been in a not inconsiderable amount of back pain all week. It’s slowly working itself out, but it’s a process.
While this has been going on, I’ve also been trying to tackle multiple projects at work. I have a desk that can adjust from sitting to standing, and that’s been a lifesaver in terms of back pain management. But I’m finding the types of work I need to do are harder to focus on while I’m standing. On the other hand, sitting for any length of time makes my back stiff and sore. I feel like I can’t win.
Add to that the rain and temperature shift today, and I’m in a place of “everything hurts and I am exhausted.”
Thankfully, I have some bright spots to focus on this week. Most notably, I finally got to play the show I missed the night I had to go to the ER a couple of weeks ago. It was fun, more people than I expected showed up, and I even made some money in tips!