Solstice Musings, Summer Edition

The summer solstice was on Monday – the longest day of the year.

Summer is an interesting time of year for me. I love the longer days, I love the sunlight, I love the green and growing things. But the heat and humidity of midwestern summers can make me physically ill.

The long days of summer make me think about where I’m putting my energy (and where I want to be putting it), because it feels like there’s so much more of it to go around than there is in the darker times of the year.

I’m thinking a lot about the fact that top surgery is happening in under four months, and one of the places I want to be expending more energy than I have been lately is to get myself feeling healthier before that happens. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what that means, what that looks like.

I’m thinking about where I’m wasting energy, about things I’m putting off because as much as I want them done I don’t want to actually go through the process of doing them, which creates anxiety, which is an enormous energy dump.

Summer feels like it’s full of potential. In some ways I’ve been feeling very stuck lately, but there are reminders out there that progress is possible and in some cases is actually happening. I just need to pay attention.

Solstice Musings

Monday night was the winter solstice.

Monday morning was rainy, and I left the house without my usual Bag of Things; I shoved my Earthbound Oracle deck in my coat pocket on the way out the door on a whim, but otherwise was traveling unusually light. That evening, as I sat in a coffee shop trying to wake myself up before therapy, I pulled the deck out of my pocket. I pondered the darkness, and how I want so badly to love this time of year, but the lack of sunlight makes it so hard. I thought about endings and beginnings, about change. And as I thought, and as I wrestled with a lot of complex thoughts and feelings I still haven’t totally sorted yet, I shuffled and drew three cards.

Cards from the Earthbound Oracle, by A.L. Schwartz

Vision, Creativity, and Transformation.

Vision.

I’ve been feeling a bit…stuck lately. But I think the issue is less that I am stuck, and more than I am not moving as quickly as I want to. I have a vision of where I want myself to be in a year, and it’s going to take the better part of the year to get there. There is no way to fast-forward through it.

Creativity.

I started back in songwriting class in November, and have signed up for another class with a new teacher (who I’ve not met but have heard only good things about). I have, as always, about a dozen knitting projects in varying levels of completion around the apartment. This week I’m starting a small but incredibly rewarding freelance project that I’m really excited about.

Transformation.

The journey is never over. Identity is not static. My biggest frustrations come from transformation taking more time than I want it to…but the truth is that it is happening all the time, in a billion tiny ways I may not even recognize. I change my life and my life changes me and it’s messy and brilliant and terrifying all at once.

Vision, Creativity, and Transformation. My life is so full of these things. The visions may not always be the clearest, the creativity may not always be the most focused, and the transformation may not be the most obvious, but they’re all there. And they’ll continue to be there, carrying me through the dark months, reminding me of all the ways in which I am, truly, a very lucky man.