On Darkness and Inner Demons

It’s been a long, hard, scary week in the world, and it’s only half over. There have been so many awful things happening that, when I sat down to think about this week’s blog, I wasn’t really sure where to begin. But I’m going to try to address two of the big things.

First things first: on Saturday, a black teenager was murdered by a white police officer in Ferguson, MO. It’s an appalling and altogether horrible situation, and is just one in a long line of similar murders in recent history. I’m still trying to educate myself on the situation (despite the overwhelming urge to bury my head in the sand), but this is the best article I’ve seen on the whole situation so far, and while I had a lot of thoughts similar to this bouncing around my head, I would never have been able to express them so powerfully. When my partner posted this article on Facebook, ze posted it with the comment that, “If you are a white person in America, you need to read this. (Everyone else in America already knows and lives it.)” which sums up the truth of it pretty damn well. Read it. If it’s a choice between reading that article or finishing this blog post, go there, now.

One of the other things that’s been blowing up all over the news this week is the death of Robin Williams, which, it’s thought, was a suicide. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this. The fact that the suicide of a rich white man has gotten more media attention than the murder of a young black man is profound evidence of a number of deeply-rooted issues in our society. And Robin Williams wasn’t a hero. He, like many comedians, sometimes went for the cheap joke at the expense of people who absolutely do not need any more of that from the world (for example, the transmisogyny-perpetuating man-in-a-dress trope of Mrs. Doubtfire). At the same time, he was undeniably talented, and undeniably troubled by inner demons the rest of the world didn’t always see. Suicide, like any loss of human life, is always a tragedy.

These two news items have served as powerful reminders that this world is a dark, scary, overwhelming place a lot of the time. And not just the world around us, but the worlds we inhabit internally. We all have our demons. Darkness seems to be everywhere these days.

I find “it gets better” tropes to be pretty useless. Sometimes, it doesn’t really get better. It definitely won’t get better on its own. Things only change when we make them change. But we don’t always have the resources available to us to make things better for ourselves.

Which is why it’s so important that we, as human beings, take care of each other.

We can take care of each other by listening to one another, whether it’s to educate ourselves about the experiences of people who are different from us, or simply being aware of when the people around us need some extra gentleness. We’re all in this together. At the end of the day, we’re all human. If we could learn to value the humanity in ourselves and to recognize it reflected in others…maybe the world wouldn’t turn out to be such a dark place after all.

Misogyny in a Five-Item List

By this point you’ve probably heard all about Elliot Rodger and his misogyny-fueled killing spree in Santa Barbara last weekend. It’s sparked a lot of discussion around the interwebs about all sorts of issues relating to feminism, the “men’s rights” movement, and mental illness. I have a lot of thoughts about all these things, but I think the best way to tackle this is in a five-item roundup of information.

  1. Let’s make no mistake: Rodger’s motivation wasn’t mysterious in the least. Prior to the events in Santa Barbara, he wrote a 141 page manifesto about his hatred for women. And why he hated women wasn’t a mystery, either: he felt women owed him things they weren’t giving him: sex, a date, whatever. Here’s an article with more thoughts on misogynist extremism.
  2. The phrase “not all men” needs to be immediately removed from our vocabulary. It’s insulting, unnecessarily defensive, absolutely unproductive, and derails these conversations that need to be happening. Here is a wonderful article that explains why in better words than I have. Here is another article about the #YesAllWomen hashtag movement and how discussions of women’s issues get derailed.
  3. Far too often, trans women are left out of the discussion of misogyny. Even worse, there are times when discussions of misogyny are used specifically to exclude trans women from women’s issues. This came up on my Facebook feed a couple of days ago:

    (For those who are unaware, Gender Identity Watch is a hate group run by Cathy Brennan.) This is so wrong, on so many levels. But the largest point I want to make here is that transmisogyny is misogyny, and violence against trans women hurts all women.

  4. Read the posts in the #YesAllWomen hashtag on Twitter. Particularly if you’re a dude who’s wondering what the big deal is. This is real life for women Every. Single. Day. Notice the attempts at division and derailment. And don’t you DARE say anything about how the women making those posts should be nicer, or less angry, or more polite. Fuck respectability politics. Shut up and listen.
  5. I have been struck this week by the immense amount of privilege I have gained as I more and more frequently am read as male. I am going to do my best to leverage that privilege for good, to use my voice where women’s voices aren’t getting through, and to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN when women are talking. This Robot Hugs comic about privilege has been on my mind a lot this week. This one, too.