Winter Blahs

I am having a very blah sort of week. I’m not sad, exactly. I just feel very unmotivated, and tired, and nothing sounds like very much fun or like anything I want to do. All I really want to do is hibernate.

It wasn’t until I was on my way to therapy on Monday that I realized that this is probably a weird instance of the depressive side of my Bipolar cycle sneaking up on me. Usually when I’m heading into a depressive episode, I can tell – I feel really down. But “down” doesn’t feel like the right word for this. It’s just…blah.

It was a struggle to get anything done at work last week. It was a struggle to write my song for songwriting class (and my goal was actually to write TWO songs last week). It was a struggle to get myself to show up for my volunteer shift and for the social things I’d committed to doing (even though all of those things ended up being fine). I had a minor breakdown last Thursday evening, because I got home at the end of a long day, and even though I’d made a plan and knew what I should get done, none of those things actually happened. I got things done, but none of them were things on my to do list, and I felt like an enormous failure.

Since I was able to identify this as depression on Monday, it’s been a little easier – if not to find motivation or give-a-damn, at least to sit quietly with the blah-ness of it all and recognize that this, too, shall pass. Yesterday the sun was out, and I had the same revelation I do every time we get through a cloudy spate of days and come out the other side into sunlight – I am incredibly affected by the weather. I should probably definitely be taking vitamin D.

In the meantime, I’m finding ways to cope. I’m listening to a lot of Dar Williams (even when I’m not listening to Dar Williams, my brain’s playing The Christians and the Pagans or The Babysitter’s Here or When I Was A Boy). I’m taking time to write down what I’m anxious about. I’m thinking a lot about the Starfinder game I’m going to start playing soon. I’m dreaming up new tattoos (even though I can’t afford a new tattoo right now). I’m celebrating the fact that I pushed my credit card debt down under the next $1000 since making a payment last week and getting a disputed charge taken care of. (I’m trying not to be disappointed that I haven’t gotten farther in the process of paying it off.) I’m trying to remind myself that while yes, I probably should be reading and knitting and writing more, the fact that I’m not doing it right now does not mean that this is what my life is going to be like forever. Once again: this, too, shall pass.

Has Anyone Seen My Motivation?

I’m having a bit of an off week, it seems.

I stayed home on Tuesday because I was starting to feel sick. I wanted to do the same thing Wednesday, but I recognize I need to use my sick days extremely sparingly until surgery in October, so I went back to work.

I’m just…really struggling to care. About work, in particular. The rest of my life is pretty interesting. I think there are just a lot of things I’d much rather be doing, and work is not super compelling these days. I have things I can work on, but I don’t feel especially engaged in my job. I’m just sort of getting by.

I need this job, and I need to stick it out at least through the end of the year – where else will I find such conveniently placed holidays to schedule surgery around? But I’m not enjoying it.

I’m also just really over the heat and humidity. It’s not as bad this week as it was last week, but the weather is definitely not helping with my lack of motivation. It’s also making me pretty achy and ornery, and that’s not particularly enjoyable, either.

Mostly, I’m trying not to be sick and not being entirely successful. My  head feels like it’s full of cotton balls, and so even if I was remotely motivated, it would be hard to focus on much of anything.

In happier news, we’re planning to go see Ghostbusters again with friends this weekend, and I am super excited for that. Potential bowling hangouts after the movie are also a reason to smile. (Bowling is one of those rare activities I can absolutely suck at, but still enjoy.) I’m also expecting new glasses to arrive at the end of the week. I ordered them online, and just kind of had to guess at how they’ll look on me. This could be a disaster. Thank goodness for free return shipping!