For the past eight weeks, I have been taking a songwriting class. I’ve written roughly half a dozen songs, most of which I’ve played for my classmates.
On Sunday, for the first time since high school, I am getting up on a stage and singing. For the first time ever, I will be publicly singing something I wrote.
I’ve watched my words performed on stage by other people. I’ve never actually performed something of my own before.
And I am terrified.
When I was in high school, I sang with our youth group worship band a handful of times. Every time I stepped behind a mic, my voice jumped up an octave. Having a high voice bothered me then, too, even though being trans was nowhere on my radar.
My voice is significantly lower now than it was when I started on testosterone almost four months ago. (Case in point.) And I’m more comfortable in myself now than I was in high school. And I’ve performed on a smaller scale in front of my classmates. And the audience will be almost entirely comprised of people in songwriting classes, or their families and friends, so I really don’t need to be worried.
But I am.
I’m afraid of being misgendered. Because my voice is not so low that it doesn’t happen anymore.
I’m afraid that I’ll get up there and forget all the words that I wrote, or how to play the music.
I’m afraid that my voice will get lost in falsetto.
But I’m going to do it anyway. And I guess, in the end, that’s what matters. Right?