Author: Alyxander James

Vote!

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Hello, friends! I’ve been struggling to think about what to write this week, but the obvious answer is this: if you live in the United States, as I do, you (hopefully) know that the time has arrived to make your voice heard in politics. Election day is next Tuesday, November 6. In many places, early voting is already taking place.

I know it might seem like your voice doesn’t matter. I know voting can be overwhelming (and downright scary – I admittedly did not vote in the midterm election that happened just before I changed my name and got a new ID, because I was scared of what would happen if I brought myself to the polls and tried to vote under a name I wasn’t really using anymore). It can be hard to know who you’re voting for an why, particularly in a midterm. But if you’re able to, I am asking that you please, please, please get to your polling place or an early voting site. News aggregator theSkimm put together this helpful guide about why voting in this midterm election is so important. Please read it (or give it a listen here).

Additionally, here are some resources I have found incredibly helpful in figuring out my ballot:

BallotReady.org is my favorite. They have information on the platforms of basically every candidate who has a platform. And to fill in the gaps…

VoteForJudges.org has information on all the judges on your ballot that are up for retention – recommendations from various bar associations. This is super important to pay attention to – don’t just skip or blaze past this section of your ballot!

If you, like me, are in Cook County, here are some bonus resources:

InjusticeWatch.org has additional info on judges, taking into consideration more factors that just the bar association recommendations.

Girl I Guess: Progressive Voting Guide for November 2018 – this guide digs into the big races on our ballots, and gives you recommendations as well as the reasons behind them. It’s incredibly informative while also being accessible.

 

#WontBeErased

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It’s an increasingly terrifying time to be a transgender person in the United States right now.

Over the weekend the New York Times published a leaked memo from the White House proposing that gender be defined on a national, governmental level as binary, immutable, and defined entirely by genital configuration at birth, with disputes to be settled via genetic testing to determine chromosomal configuration. There are so many things wrong with this – it conflates gender and sex, it ignores actual biology, it completely disregards the existence of intersex folks, and on and on. S. Bear Bergman wrote an excellent article about all of this and what it means, and rather than reinvent the wheel, I’m going to point you there. Please read this. The lives of your trans, non-binary, and gender expansive siblings depends on you understanding the seriousness of this.

To my cisgender friends and family: please vote. Please speak up in the face of transphobia. Trans folks can’t do this alone. Silence is complicity.

If you have the means and are looking to donate money somewhere, here are a few good organizations to support (note: I know for some people the first thought is to donate to the Human Rights Campaign, but please consider these organizations first – the HRC does not have a great track record of defending trans folks, whereas these organizations all do):

Trans Lifeline

The Transgender Law Center

The Sylvia Rivera Law Project

National Center for Transgender Equality

Transformative Justice Law Project

Lambda Legal

Fall Feelings

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I think, just maybe, fall has really fallen for real in Chicago. We had one 90-degree day last week, but I think that was really the last one. I hope it was. I’m enjoying the chance to wear the things I’ve knit without also needing to bundle up so much I can hardly move.

I’m wrestling with seasonal allergies that might also be a cold, but aside from being annoyed by how sniffly I am, it’s not detracting from my enjoyment of the weather. It’s been chilly and sunny most of the week, which is my favorite combination.

I’m currently on track to make it through my first full five-day work week in over a month (thanks to all the Jewish holidays in September and staying home one day last week). It hasn’t been the easiest adjustment. My officemate is out of town, though, so I have the office to myself, which I think is helping. Not that my officemate isn’t lovely, but she is an extrovert and I am not. I’ve managed to get a handful of smaller projects done and a couple of bigger projects started. So that’s something.

I get restless in the fall, I think. I want to try new things before going into hibernation for the winter. I’m holding space for some big feelings about where I am and where I want to be and where those things aren’t lining up.

What about you, dear reader? Is the arrival of fall bringing up big feelings for you like it is for me? I’d love to hear all about it!

Coming Out

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Hello, dear readers! This blog post is going up late today, because I did not write it yesterday and also because I stayed home from work today to catch up on sleep and fight off the headache I woke up with.

I’m also not really sure what to write about this week. They still haven’t caught the perpetrator of the two shootings in our neighborhood that I talked about last week, so we’re still a bit on edge, trying to figure out how to navigate our neighborhood in a way that feels safe right now. Also, on a national level here in the US, things are pretty overwhelming right now. (If you’re a US citizen and haven’t checked your voter registration or haven’t registered to vote, do so now. We need everyone to show up and vote in November. Voter suppression is a serious reality in a lot of places right now, and voter rolls have been purged in some states as a part of that, so check your registration even if you know you were registered before.)

We did have the lovely experience on Monday of seeing our friend Heather Mae play a show in our neighborhood. We got to spend a while before and after the show catching up with her and hanging out, and that was great. Go check out her music if you’re not familiar with her stuff – she’s fabulous!

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day, and today is National Coming Out Day. So I think to close this blog I’m going to combine the sentiments of those two days and tell you a little bit about myself that you may or may not know:

I am queer. Queer is a label I’ve chosen because it represents so much of who I am. It describes my orientation – I’m attracted to all sorts of people of all sorts of genders. It describes my gender – I was assigned female at birth, but realized in my mid-twenties that that didn’t fit; I’m now living and presenting in such a way that I’m read as male by the world at large, but in my heart of hearts I really don’t identify with binary gender at all. Queer also describes my brain – I have Bipolar II Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, both of which I was finally diagnosed with 9 years ago, and which I’ve been medicated for ever since. A few months ago, I had to seek out a psychiatrist to get my meds adjusted – I was manic and anxious as hell for a solid month. It was miserable, and I still don’t know how I managed to get anything done during that time. Since getting my meds adjusted, I’m feeling much more capable of handling all of the anxiety that comes from life right now.

I choose to be out and proud about all of these intersections of my identity, but I can make that choice because I live with a great deal of privilege. I have safe, nurturing spaces where I can be myself. Not everyone is so lucky. If you’re struggling with whether or not to come out today, remember that your safety comes first, and that your identity is valid regardless of how public you are with it. I see you; you’re real. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. May we all work toward a world in which “coming out,” whether it’s in regard to sexuality or gender or mental health or anything else, doesn’t carry so much weight and fear with it.

Fears

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Friends, it’s been a week. And while I try to largely focus on the silver lining on this blog, I need to be honest with you – this week, there are several things I’m feeling scared about.

The obvious one, on a US-national politics scale, is that it’s looking likely that Brett Kavanaugh (who’s been accused by multiple women of sexual assault and who is clearly temperamentally unfit for the job) will be confirmed as a Supreme Court justice. It’s horrifying. (John Oliver’s take on all this is on point and wonderful. Long, but worth the watch.)

In local-to-me news, two men in my neighborhood were shot in the head with the same weapon over the last few days. One was an older gay man walking his dog around 10am, and the other was an orthodox Jewish man walking near the lake late in the evening. Yes, I live in Chicago, but this feels different from past instances of gun violence in our neighborhood, which have historically been either gang-related or connected to muggings. There’s no telling at this point if these homicides were specific hate crimes or the result of a more generally misanthropic hate, but I admit I’m worried about how gay I might look walking down the street.

The world is often a terrifying place these days. I’m trying to look for bright spots to push back the dark. So here are some happy things that happened this week:

  • We went with friends to see Cameron Esposito on Friday. It was exactly what we all needed.
  • A couple we’re friends with had their baby on Saturday, which has inspired me to knit some baby things. They knit up so quickly!
  • I went to the dentist. This is generally not a happy statement, but it was the first time I’d been since moving to Chicago six years ago. No cavities in these teeth!

I’d love to hear how you’re pushing back the darkness this week, friends. (Or if you’re not, I’d love to know what I can do to sit with you in the dark a while.) Hang in there.

On My Mind

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I nearly missed getting this blog written today – I meant to write last night but then suddenly wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to go to bed. I’m still not feeling great, but I wanted to get a blog out anyway, so here we are. These are some of the things that have been on my mind this week (that are mostly unrelated to the consistent undercurrent of the world being on fire and US politics being a horrifying shitshow):

  • This stellar HuffPo article: “Everything You Know About Obesity is Wrong”. As someone who struggled with weight fluctuations for years and who has, in the past, had an extremely disordered relationship to food, this resonated so powerfully. I’m so lucky to have a doctor now who respects me as a person and doesn’t write all my problems off as being “because you’re fat.” Not everyone is so lucky.
  • This speech Anne Hathaway gave when accepting an ally award from the HRC. I am not about giving cookies to allies just for being decent human beings, and I have my reservations about the HRC, but I think Anne Hathaway provides a good example of how to do allyship correctly. Also, there were pieces of this speech that made me cry, so…that’s a thing.
  • Songwriting! Last Friday my partner and I went to an all-day songwriting workshop at the Old Town School, and it was fan-fucking-tastic. On Sunday we’re gathering again to share our homework from the workshop. I got one song that I think I actually rather like out of what I’ve done so far, and I have some other ideas percolating. This was the most writing I’ve done since Song School, so that felt good. Also, on Saturday I’m taking the stage at Silvie’s here in Chicago with over 40 of my fellow Chicagoland musicians to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the Acoustic Explosion, which is the Monday night show I’ve played a handful of times a year for the past few years. I’m so excited for a night of music with this community I adore.

That’s it from me for this week, but once again, I’d love to hear from you, dear readers! What’s been on your mind this week?

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I have been super distracted this week.

Some of this is probably the continuation of holidays – having so many extra days off has me feeling a little discombobulated about what day it is. (Which is not at all a complaint, because the days off are lovely. Just an observation that it’s hard to keep track of what day it is when I’m out of a routine.)

I’m also fighting a bit of a cold, which has had my whole head feeling stuffy, including my ears. This is also disorienting, because I have to focus harder than usual to hear and absorb auditory information.

It hasn’t been a bad week, though. The weekend was fun – lots of time with friends, and I was able to make it to my LGBTQ+ rock ensemble class at the Old Town School. This week has been pretty laid back. I worked Monday and Tuesday, and then yesterday went with a friend to the Art Institute, which I’d only ever been to once before (and not under the best of circumstances), so that was a lot of fun.

Tomorrow my partner and I are both taking the day off to go to an all-day songwriting seminar/workshop at the Old Town School. I have not been writing much at all since getting back from Song School, so I am looking forward to that and am hopeful that it will give me some solid inspiration and motivation to get back in the saddle.

I hope your weeks are all going well, dear readers! I’d love to hear about what’s making your weeks fun in the comments.

Days Off and Happy Thoughts

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This might be my favorite time of year. Not only do I love fall in general (apple cider! sweater weather! pretty trees!), but it’s also when a lot of major Jewish holidays happen, which, since I work for a Jewish agency, means I get a bunch of extra days off. This week, we had Monday and Tuesday off for Rosh Hashanah. I thoroughly enjoyed my days off. Here is a list of some other happy things from the past week:

  • Friends. On Saturday, my partner and I got breakfast with a friend in the neighborhood, which is something of a weekend tradition and time I really treasure. That afternoon, we went to a lovely, low-key baby shower for a couple of friends, and it was so fun to celebrate them and their little-one-to-be.
  • Self-care. I also got a much-needed haircut on Saturday, and bought myself a new book that I’m enjoying quite a bit (The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin). It always surprises me how much a good haircut can improve how I feel in my body.
  • Music. Sometime in the spring I started attending services at a Unitarian Universalist church semi-regularly, and now I’ve joined their choir (jury is still out on whether I’m going to actually become a member of the church). Sunday was the first service I joined them for. I haven’t been in a choir since high school, and since I also haven’t played much piano since then, my sight-reading skills have slipped somewhat. But I’m managing okay at keeping up with the rest of our tiny tenor section, and I’m having fun with it.
  • Knitting. I got SO MUCH KNITTING done on my days off. I am almost done with the second sleeve of the sweater I started last September. Once I finish that, it’s just the front left. I am so excited to be able to wear this sweater, and it felt good to really dig into my knitting again – I think I knit more in the past week than I’ve knit in the past five months combined.
  • Self-indulgent shopping. I bought myself some new work pants in fun colors, because I really didn’t love what I had. I also had a minor manic moment last week and ordered a pair of Fluevog boots. They arrived yesterday, and I am completely smitten. They’re exactly what I wanted. It feels a little silly to be this excited about shoes, but they’re pretty awesome shoes:

    New boots!

     

Vertigo

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Sorry for the late post today, friends! I’m all sorts of scattered this week.

I’ve been fighting a cold for a few days. Yesterday, I woke up, rolled over in bed, and the room started spinning. Now, this happens sometimes when I’m sick – my ears get a little plugged and it messes with my balance. Usually, if I can get myself upright, it settles down pretty quickly. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen yesterday.

Half an hour after getting up, when I found I still had to hang onto things in order to get around the apartment, I gave up and called in sick to work. I spent most of the day on the couch. I tried to stay hydrated, and took as much cold medicine as was reasonable and safe. That vertigo lasted the whole damn day – while it was better by the time I went to bed than it had been when I got up, it never really disappeared entirely. It was really frustrating. I frequently feel like my body is a bit of a traitor to the rest of me…chronic pain and other related issues often prevent me from doing as much as I’d like to do. This felt like another in a long line of times when my body betrayed me.

Thankfully, I’m feeling much better this morning (still occasionally having moments where I’m a little dizzy, but nothing like yesterday), so I’m at work and trying to catch up on everything I missed yesterday. And really, I can’t complain too much – we’re entering the season of many weeks of Jewish holidays, so I have a lot of free time in the next few weeks.

Moments of Gratitude

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I have been struggling a bit this week. Something is wrong with my back – it hurts in ways that make it hard to move, but it gets worse the longer I hold still (like when I’m sleeping). I’m also fighting off a cold, with less success than I’d like. And, as often seems to happen after a vacation, all the little parts of my job that are frustrating and unsatisfying feel magnified right now.

So in light of all of this, I thought it would be a good exercise to focus this blog on a few things I’m grateful for today. In no particular order:

  • Cooler weather. After several days of pretty unbearable heat and humidity that made me feel like I was constantly about to melt, the heat finally broke Tuesday night, and yesterday and today have been lovely. We were able to open the windows in our apartment and air the place out a bit, which has been really nice (and was really necessary).
  • Musical encouragement. We’ve been keeping in touch with some of the friends we made at Song School as a way to encourage each other to keep writing. Also, at my agency’s employee appreciation event on Tuesday, I had the opportunity to perform one of my songs. It went well, and the feedback was really lovely and encouraging.
  • Impending holidays. My favorite part about working for a Jewish agency is all the extra paid holidays we get off. The high holy days are coming up starting in a couple of weeks, and I don’t work a single five-day week in September. I am definitely looking forward to that.