life

Running Late

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

This has been a weird week.

I am the sort of person who is consistently early. Ten to fifteen minutes if I know where I’m going and who I’m meeting; half an hour if I’m especially anxious. But this week has not been going that way.

I haven’t really been late to appointments, but I’ve been having such a hard time getting up in the morning that I’ve been consistently late to work. Not in a way that’s bound to get me in trouble – I’ve still mostly been the first person on my team to get there. But late by my usual standards.

Right now as I’m writing this, I should be walking up to my office. Instead, I’ve just made it to the bus stop.

It’s frustrating. I feel like I’m glued to the bed when I wake up, like no amount of sleep is ever enough. It’s not so much of a problem once I’m up, it’s just the getting up that’s really hard.

My birthday is next week. It feels like it snuck up on me. I don’t mind being another year older (I’m grateful that I made it this far), but I am fighting the impulse to feel like I’m not enough of an adult, that I haven’t accomplished enough, that I don’t have my shit together enough to be 31.

But the more I look around and talk to folks, the more I realize that a lot of us are in that boat, right? So maybe I’m okay after all.

Bleh

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

The weather in Chicago has returned to its pattern of bouncing all over the place, which means I am having a bit of a rough week. I’m achy and tired and having a hard time focusing. I’m anxious about some things that are kind of out of my control at this point.

But there have still been some happy things. Chiefly among them? This book:

American Hippo by Sarah Gailey

Back in February, our friend K came to visit one weekend. We ended up going to a new-to-us bookstore, and I was not going to buy anything (heaven knows I have enough books). But then I passed this book on a shelf, and I picked it up and read the foreword, and I was hooked.

Y’all. This book. It’s so good. Its premise is based on a real thing that almost happened in US history – evidently, importing hippopotami into the States to be ranched in Louisiana bayous was a proposed solution to a meat shortage in the country in the early 20th century. So this is hippo-riding cowboys, which is a delightful premise all on its own.

But the book is so much more than that. The cast is diverse across genders, races, and body types. No one really makes a big deal out of any of it, but there’s so much representation packed into the two novellas and two short stories packed into this book. I was sad to finish it, because I wanted to keep hanging out with these incredible (and incredibly flawed) humans. If you’re looking for a fun, quick read, I’d recommend picking this up!

The author, Sarah Gailey, has a new book coming out the day after my birthday, which I am excited about. I thoroughly enjoyed their writing style in American Hippo, and I expect I’ll enjoy whatever they’ve got coming next.

Home Again, Home Again

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Happy Thursday, dear readers!

I mentioned last week that I was getting ready to go on my first ever work trip. I got home from DC yesterday afternoon. It was a good trip overall, if not exactly what I expected/intended it to be. Here are some highlights:

  • I got to see our colleague who moved to Israel 3.5 years ago, who I’m always emailing/Skyping but who I hadn’t seen in person since she moved. It was great to catch up and hang out.
  • I learned things that I think will ultimately help me do my job better. Some of the sessions I went to went way over my head, but even those at least gave me things to look up once I get settled back at the office.
  • I got to meet up with my friend Heather Mae, who is one of the most genuinely kind people I have the pleasure of knowing (and also happens to be one of my favorite musicians). Taking an hour to grab coffee with her made my week. We have brains that operate in similar ways (#BipolarAdventures), and it’s always nice to be able to talk to someone who just gets it.
  • I did NOT do the networking I had planned to do. This had a lot to do with the fact that I’m just not great at networking, and because our 1800+ person conference (which was not the only large conference happening at the convention center) was a bit overwhelming for this socially anxious introvert. But I did think of things I can do better next time, and I have ideas of where to follow up on things from home.
  • I walked about 5 miles a day, most of them without even leaving the building where the conference was held. It was a lot.
  • I successfully got through airport security both ways without setting off any machines! I think that’s a first. (Usually if I have good luck on one leg of the journey, I won’t on the other. Or I set off all the machines. Body scanners are gender binarist bullshit.)

I’m on my way into the office now. I desperately wanted to work from home today, but I think my office mate would kill me if I left her alone for another day, so here we are. I’m exhausted, but still generally feeling good about the trip. As much as I enjoy traveling, I’m very ready to get settled back into my routine at home.

Adventures

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers! How on earth is it Thursday already? (At the same time: how is it only Thursday?) I am in that weird space where my body is exhausted but my brain is manic. #BipolarAdventures

It’s been a pretty good week. Here are some highlights:

  • On Sunday, a friend came over for breakfast so we could celebrate the fact that she finished grad school. (She graduates today!) I love the fact that we’ve cultivated this friendship that largely revolves around weekend breakfast/brunch and good conversation.
  • Monday night, my partner and I each played a set at the Acoustic Explosion (where six performers play 25 minute sets every Monday night). Both of our sets went well, and despite the nerves, we had fun.
  • This week at work has been busy, because I’m trying to wrap up some projects before I go on my first ever work trip next week. Sunday I’m flying to DC for the national conference for the company that makes our client database (which is what I manage at work). I’m not going to have time for sight-seeing, unfortunately, but I’m hoping I’ll get to connect with a friend or two. I’m also hoping for some good networking opportunities at the conference. I haven’t been to DC since I was in high school!

Clouds for Days

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

It has been raining and overcast all week here in Chicago, and I am tired. This sort of weather is hard for multiple reasons – my brain gets squirrelly if it goes more than a couple of days without sunshine, and wet, humid weather makes my joints especially achy.

On the bright side, the rain (and on Saturday, snow) that we’ve gotten has knocked a lot of the pollen off the trees, and made my allergies much more bearable as a consequence.

Other bright points:

  • Therapy is going really well. My therapist is the best and I’m learning a lot as we process things. An important lesson that keeps coming up is that I need to celebrate my successes instead of just letting them pass by.
  • I started a new songwriting class this week. Banjo was great as a break, but I’m so happy to be back in this class with these people.
  • I have started working on a letter I’m planning to send out to my extended family as a sort of reintroduction. I’m feeling good about how it’s looking so far. The biggest hurdle is going to be getting addresses for everyone.
/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

I almost didn’t post anything this week. It feels like the only newsworthy item is the fact that I am suuuuuper allergic to the tree pollen that has exploded into the air this week. I am about nine kinds of congested and gross right now. My line at this time of year, as I sniffle and my eyes water, is: “Nature is just *sniff* so beautiful.” Truly, I love trees. And I love spring. Unfortunately, trees in spring do horrible things to my sinuses.

Other than all the sniffling, it’s been a pretty quiet week. Here are a few things that are getting me through this week of allergens:

  1. Lizzo’s new album, Cuz I Love You. If you haven’t yet, get yourself a copy. (It’s a very reasonable $7.99 on iTunes.) I have loved everything that Lizzo has put out, and this album is no exception. Her music is empowering and so damn catchy. Give it a listen!
  2. I had my last banjo class (for now, anyway) last night. It’s been a super fun break from songwriting and was a great palette cleanser. Now I’m headed back to songwriting class next week excited to create new stuff. Music makes my life so much fuller.
  3. I have tomorrow off because of Passover, and I am so happy about it. I have barely managed to get into the office the past few days because of my allergies, but I’ve done it. I’m ready for an extra day off.

Trying

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Readers, it’s been a week. I’m wrestling with some sort of upper-respiratory nonsense that I hoped was just allergies but that kept me home with a fever yesterday. I feel pretty gross, and I’m really glad I had a doctor appointment scheduled for today anyway.

But let’s take a step back. I want to tell you about my weekend, when I did not feel like my head was trying to explode.

Friday night, I picked up a rental car. Saturday morning, I got up early, packed my knitting and some snacks, and hit the road to go visit my grandmother in northeast Iowa. I had not seen my grandmother in almost seven years, though we’ve been writing occasional letters back and forth for a year or so. In her last couple of letters, she expressed a desire to sit down and talk with me in person. About a month ago, when I got her last letter, I contacted her and said I would like to come for a visit, and we agreed on this past Saturday as a date.

I started on testosterone five and a half years ago, so a few things had changed since we last saw each other. I had sent her a picture of me a few months ago, so my appearance wouldn’t come as a total shock.

I really had no idea what to expect from this visit going in, but overall it went better than I could have hoped. She greeted me with a hug. We went out to lunch and she caught me up on all the latest family news. When we went back to her apartment, the talk turned more serious – she had a lot of questions about my life, and I tried to answer them honestly. I learned that her little Baptist church had recently done a study on LGBTQ issues, because their pastor recognized that we’re not going away and felt the church should decide how they were going to respond. (She sent the books they studied home with me – I haven’t read them yet, but I do want to know where she’s coming from.)

The big takeaway of the visit was that we love each other and we do want to be in each other’s lives. It was a very long day (ten total hours of driving, plus the four hour visit), but worth it. We’ll see where we go from here!

Small Smiles

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers – I’m back! I took the last two weeks off because of some weirdness with the site that still isn’t resolved, really, but if I take any more time off I’ll be thoroughly out of the habit of blogging, so here we are.

I haven’t had a particularly eventful few weeks, either, so I haven’t felt like I have a lot to write about. This weekend is going to involve a solo road trip, so details on that will follow next week, I’m sure.

In the absence of profound thoughts, here are some things that have made me smile recently:

  • I’ve gotten a fair bit of knitting done lately, and only about a third of it has been for me, which is unusual. I’m working on a hat for a friend, and I knit a little vest and a stuffed spider for our friends’ baby. (The adults all agreed the spider was cute, but it scared the baby…oops!) I had so much fun making the spider that I made another one for my arachnophobic self:

I think she looks like Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon.

  • The details of my first ever work trip out of state are being finalized, and I’m more excited than I thought I’d be. I’ll be in DC in mid-May for a few days. I’m not sure how much time I’ll have to get away from the conference and see the city, but I haven’t been to DC since I was in high school, so I’m looking forward to it.
  • The D&D group I’ve been in for a bit over a year now just had our last big session over the weekend – one of our players is moving out of the country. It’s sad to know that we’re not continuing with these characters we’ve gotten to know and love (although we’ll still have the occasional one-shot game, I’m sure), but the whole experience of this game has been so great. We all meshed really well and could play off each other and consistently took the story in interesting directions. I love nerds.

Like I said, solo road trip this weekend (for reasons I’ll explain next week), so I’m sure next week I’ll have stories to tell. Meanwhile, what’s been making you smile lately, friends?

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

I’m sitting on the bus on my way to work Thursday morning, and I am not really sure what to write about. It hasn’t been a terribly eventful week. Truthfully, I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain and trying to navigate that reality. But there have been some bright spots, too. For example:

  • Friday night we had a chance to knit with a couple of friends for the first time in a while. I finished a pair of socks that I’d started two years ago, so that felt like an accomplishment.
  • Sunday night was the class showcase for the songwriting class I was in in January and February. I am always so impressed by the work that comes out of those songwriting classes, and that community is something truly special. I am grateful to be a part of it.
  • Last night I started taking a banjo class, and I am very excited about it. The instructor is a friend and an excellent teacher, and the class promises to be a lot of fun.

February Reflections

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

It’s the final day of February, and I’m tired. But it’s been an interesting month. Here are some highlights:

  • FAWM, obviously. Unless I miraculously get something done tonight, I’m ending the month with sixteen new songs, plus two that I co-wrote with my partner. I’m pleased with the majority of my songs, and I’m really happy with how our co-writes came out. Collaborating was a new experience for us, and neither of us was sure how it would go.
  • I started seeing a new therapist. It’s going really well.
  • I had some really good times hanging out with friends – I didn’t let FAWM completely take over my life. We had a visit from a Minnesota friend, a birthday party, and I got to play D&D. I am frequently reminded how great my people are. I’m a very lucky queer.

I’m looking forward to getting our apartment back under control in March, and hopefully sleeping more.