life

Reasons to Smile

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

On the one hand, I feel like I’ve been running around like a headless chicken all week; on the other, I feel like I have nothing to write about. Neither of those are entirely accurate assessments of how my week has gone, though. Things are pretty great. Here are a few reasons why:

  1. My tattoo turned out even better than I was hoping. Seriously, the cards look beautiful. (Well, okay, at the moment they look like a flaky mess, but under that, they’re beautiful.) I’m so pleased with how they turned out! And the appointment itself was enjoyable – a couple of friends sat with me through the bulk of the process (thanks, E & B!), and even came back when it was over to drive me home (which was super kind…I probably would’ve gotten on the wrong train or something, because after 2 hours and 20 minutes I was pretty out of it). The artist was wonderful, the space was phenomenal (if you’re in Chicago and in the market for a tattoo, totally check them out), and it was not as painful as I was afraid it would be. (Turns out pain is relative…compared to 5 weeks of constant back pain with no idea when or if it would end, a couple of hours of pain that I knew had a finish line? Not bad at all.)
  2. I actually liked what I wrote for my songwriting class this week, and my classmates all had suggestions to make it even better. It’s rare that I feel this good about something I’ve written, so that’s been fun. The next step in the writing process for this one: trying to figure out a harmonica solo.
  3. I bought some yarn at Stitches Midwest last summer with the intention of making a sweater. After I got home and took a closer look at other projects made with this particular yarn, I realized it wasn’t truly ideal for the project I’d bought it for. It’s been sitting in my stash and at the forefront of my awareness since then, and (even though I should have finished something else first) I finally settled on a pattern, made a swatch, did some math, and started knitting a different sweater with it over the weekend. I did the first sleeve in three days, and I’m still excited about it – I feel like I actually have a chance of finishing this in a reasonable amount of time. Granted, that might happen right when it warms up, but hey. I’ll have a cozy, beautiful sweater for next fall.

Just Keep Swimming

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

The first week of 2015 has not exactly been a party. Mostly, my back is still giving me a lot of trouble, and I’ve spent a lot of the past week wondering if I will ever stop being in some level of pain. I had x-rays done last Friday, and got word back yesterday that, despite outward appearances, my back and hip appear to be more or less normal. On the bright side, this means that it is probably just a bad series of muscle spasms, and not a skeletal issue. On the not-so-bright side, it means I’m going to need to keep taking muscle relaxers indefinitely, and I definitely need to find a physical therapist.

Aside from my back being a (literal) pain, though, things are generally okay. I’ve definitely been dealing with a bit of depression (both because that seems to be where I’m at in my Bipolar cycle, and just situationally), but I’m trying to look for bright spots. I’m knitting as much as I’m able. I took out my fountain pen collection this week and decided to try to get back into written correspondence – in 2013 I had a few pen pals in different countries, but right around the time I was interviewing for my current job I totally lost my letter-writing mojo. I’ve now written letters to all three of my former pen pals plus one new one, along with some thank you notes for the people from work who gave me little holiday gifts, and I’m remembering how much fun it is to write letters. I love the immediacy of email, instant messages, and texts, but there’s something really special about handwritten correspondence.

Mostly, I am trying to take things one day at a time. This isn’t a particularly fun place to be in, but I’m doing what I can to get through it and trying to learn what I can along the way. We’ll see how long I can keep this attitude going.

Bah, Humbug

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

The holiday season is in full swing. And I just want it to be over.

Usually, I really enjoy this time of year. I like the colder weather, and the lights. I’ve bought or made pretty much all the presents I’ll be giving. (Considering that there is still a whole week to go, I’m ahead of my usual game.)

But I just can’t seem to get into the holiday spirit this year.

It seems like everyone I know is having “one of those weeks.”

I have several friends dealing with some really awful things right now, and no matter how much I want or try to help, I know that there’s nothing I can really do to make it better for them.

I’ve spent the whole week feeling angry and bitter about my own family’s dysfunction (and consistent refusal to deal with that dysfunction). Because, let’s face it, there’s no time like a holiday to bring out family dysfunction.

Like many people I know and love, I’m in a rather tender place right now. I desperately need some time to decompress and process and deal with a whole slew of emotions that have surfaced in the past few weeks, and I have no idea when that time is going to happen.

But because it seems like a rough week for everyone, I hate to end this blog post on a disconsolate note. So here are a couple of happy things from this week that are not at all holiday related:

  1. One of my coworkers brought her Great Pyrenees (who happens to be a therapy dog) with her to work on Monday. This meant that I got to take a few minutes out of my day to pet an enormous dog who wanted nothing more than to flop on the floor and be loved. Puppy therapy is, to me, just about the best kind of therapy there is. It didn’t make everything better, but it definitely brightened what was otherwise a very Mondayish Monday.
  2. I got to work from home yesterday. I answered emails and worked on other work-related things, but I did not open my mouth to utter a single sound from the time my partner left in the morning to the time I met him at the train station to help him carry home groceries when he got off work. I still really need a day to just sit and wrestle with things – I still had to work, after all – but it was wonderful to have some quiet space to myself.
  3. I’ve been unusually excited about my knitting this week. It’s kind of a problem, in that I want to start all the projects and not finish anything, but it’s nice to feel excited about something amidst everything else.

Sweater Weather

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

It’s finally sweater weather.

I’m not fond of the nigh-constant cloudiness at this time of year in the Midwest. But I love the chill in the air, because it’s an excuse to wear all the coziest things that I (who am a furnace, and, unless I’m sick, am pretty much never cold) don’t otherwise get to pull out of the closet very often.

My knitting lately has reflected the change in the weather. Last week, I finished my nephew’s Christmas sweater:

IMG_2022

and a sweater for myself:

IMG_2039

And then, despite the fact that I have at least a dozen projects in varying states of completion around the house and already have plans to start a baby blanket for the nephew’s birthday in March, I decided I needed to start another sweater. Out of some particularly gorgeous sock yarn that I inherited from our friend Audrey.

It’s going to take forever, because it’s working up at a super fine gauge and I have a short attention span for my knitting at the best of times. But for now, I’m excited about it.

Sick, Tired, and Uninspired

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

It’s turning into one of those weeks.

Thanksgiving was lovely. We cooked an impressive amount of food in our tiny kitchen and spent the evening hanging out and stuffing our faces with one of our dear friends. I “worked” from home on Friday (which turned out to be a good call, as I got one solitary help request the entire 8 hours I was signed in…I got a lot of knitting done). It was a pretty low-key, relaxing weekend.

But Monday rolled around, and work has been less-than-great, and we’ve had friends in crisis, and I feel like my body is falling apart, and every day has seemed to drag on for an eternity, and all I want to do is hunker down under some blankets and close my eyes and hide until it all blows over.

So I don’t really know what to write about this week.

I’ve been trying to find some bright spots, and this is what I’ve come up with:

  1. I finished sewing together the sweater I knit for my nephew for Christmas. It turned out very cute, and I really hope it fits him.
  2. My nephew just turned 9 months old. I heard from my sister-in-law earlier this week that she expects him to be independently mobile by the end of the week. She sent me a picture of him smiling ear-to-ear next to a pile of stuff he’d just pulled out of one of his dresser drawers. It’s fun to see him develop his little personality, even if it’s from a distance.
  3. I’ve gotten some really appreciative feedback from various people at work this week, which has been encouraging, especially since our network has been wonky and everyone’s been pretty cranky about technology in general.

Important Days

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

The second half of November is full of important days.

I can now count on one hand the number of days until I am legally Alyx.

I’m nervous. I’ve bought a new outfit and started making lists of what I need to bring with me (and what I need to leave at home – evidently, knitting needles are contraband at the Daley Center). I’m a little overwhelmed thinking about the number of agencies I’ll need to alert to the change when it’s done.

But I’m excited. The actual process itself might be a bit of a headache, but it’ll be worthwhile and make for fewer headaches in the future. I can’t wait to have ID with a name that matches my presentation…a name that fits me.

That’s not the only big day in this half of the month, though.

This past Monday marked four years since my partner and I went on our first date. (Next Wednesday marks four years since we figured out that we were both on the same page in terms of wanting to take a stab at this whole romance thing.) It’s been quite the journey, from several months thousands of miles apart to moving in together several states from where we met, through changing identities on both our parts. I have never known anyone who has made me feel so safe and comfortable, and around whom I can be so totally myself. It hasn’t all been sunshine and flowers, but I wouldn’t trade a single moment – all of them, even the hard ones, have been worth it. I will never understand how I got so lucky, but I hope I’m always grateful.

On a rather less sappy note – also coming up at the end of this month is the first birthday of this blog! I wrote my first Accidental Fudge post on November 30, 2013, and have managed to post something every single week for almost a whole year now. (In honor of the impending birthday, I’m giving the site a bit of a makeover; please bear with me, as things will probably change a few times before I’ve really settled on something.) I had no idea when I started whether I’d be able to come up with words every week (and I still rarely know until Wednesday evening what I’m going to be writing about), but I’ve done it anyway, and that’s pretty exciting. It’s the most consistent and dedicated I’ve ever been with any creative effort, and while I may not have gained a cult following, I’m still pretty damn proud of this little corner of the internet that I’ve claimed as mine.

This Week in a Tiny List

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

It’s been a bit of an odd week so far (more on that below), and I completely forgot to write a blog last night. I’m writing this from my phone, so it might look a little strange. Anyway, here are a few tiny thoughts about the week.

  1. It’s getting colder. We haven’t seen snow yet beyond some light flurries, but while the week started off at a balmy almost-60° F, it’s been in the 30s since then. I don’t mind the cold, really, though it can make my commute rather unpleasant.
  2. I’m sick. Tuesday afternoon I left work early because I started feeling feverish (while I was inside, I felt like I was melting and freezing at the same time, and when I went outside where it actually was freezing, my body still felt like it was melting). Yesterday I stayed home and hung out on the couch for most of the day. I went to bed at 8 last night, fell asleep within 20 minutes (an extremely rare occurrence) and was out cold until just after 5 this morning. I’m feeling somewhat better (I’ll make it into work, at least), but I’m really looking forward to the weekend.
  3. In my downtime this week, I’ve been poking around the internet at various sites focused on computer-related training. I’ve brushed up on my html knowledge (which I hadn’t done in about ten years), learned a bit about JavaScript and jQuery, and even started watching some video lectures on C and C++. None of this relates directly to anything I’m doing right now, but it’s interesting, and I figure that a greater understanding of the inner workings of computer programming will help me better understand what’s happening on the user end. I forget sometimes how much I enjoy learning.

Some Things Change; Some Stay the Same

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

It’s the first Thursday of November.

The first Thursday of November last year, I learned how to self-administer testosterone injections, and gave myself my first shot.

It’s been a year.

A year ago, I wasn’t entirely convinced that I was making the right choice. I was convinced, however, that I had to do something, and since starting HRT was suddenly an option that was open to me, I went for it.

And after a year, I have to say…I haven’t regretted it for an instant.

It’s not that I hated being a woman. I just…wasn’t particularly good at it. This body that I recreated with the help of hormones fits my soul in ways it never did before.

I am infinitely more comfortable and confident now. This doesn’t mean that I am comfortable and confident 100% of the time, but I waste much less energy on self-loathing than I used to.

The sound of my own voice rarely causes me to cringe anymore. On the best days, I love it. On the worst, I just realize that old speech patterns, just like any other habits, sometimes die hard.

I have an ever-increasing volume and distribution of facial hair. I realized this week that I have actually reached the point where I can shave in the morning and have stubble by the end of the work day. I’m sure there are men who find this annoying. I think it’s wonderful. And I’m learning to feel a sort of benevolence toward the hair sprouting pretty much everywhere else on my body. The hair on the top of my head may not be growing as quickly as it was…and it’s possible that I’m losing it more quickly than I used to. But I’m not any more afraid of balding than I ever was of going grey (which is to say, I’m pretty sure I can rock it however it plays out).

I’m still soft, and I have curves, but they’re distributed in some different places. My lower body is much more compact, where my upper body feels more solidly built. And for the first time since, well, the onset of my first round of puberty, really, my weight hasn’t fluctuated more than five pounds in the past year.

My Bipolar cycles have evened out to some extent. They’re still there, and still noticeable, certainly…but I have fewer days lost to feelings of madness, and it’s much rarer for me to feel like I’m out of control.

In a couple of weeks, I have a court hearing scheduled to legally change my name. I still have a few loose ends to figure out, but everything feels like it’s clicking into place.

I’ve been unspeakably lucky. I have a supportive partner, supportive friends and chosen family, and even a largely supportive work environment. I have dear friends on their own similar journeys who have not always been so fortunate, and I hope I never lose sight of how much of a privileged life I lead.

It’s been quite the ride, but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Here’s to a year of adventure ahead!

Happy Anyway

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

I’m sick. I tried for a while to convince myself it was just fall allergies, and maybe it started that way. But it’s become evident in the last few days that I do, in fact, have a cold (which may turn into something even less fun today, since I got my flu shot yesterday).

On top of that, it’s been pretty overcast the past few days. Yesterday’s dreariness in particular made me acutely aware of how much my mood and general ability to be an adult are influenced by the weather. When it’s cloudy for more than about 24 hours, all I want to do is hide in a giant blanket nest and not come out again until it’s sunny.

But you know what?

I’m still pretty happy.

Because, really, life is pretty good. I might be feeling under the weather, but there are still reasons to smile:

Tomorrow is Halloween. It also marks three years since I first tried on the name Alyx and found that it fit. It fit so well that it was briefly terrifying, because I knew exactly what sort of precipice I was stepping over. But the terror quickly gave way, because it felt so…easy. Comfortable. Right. Pronouns may still be a weird thing for me to navigate, and I’m not always sure exactly what is going on with my relationship to my body, but my name? That’s mine. There are no questions there.

In a few weeks, I will legally become Alyxander. I will have an ID card that matches my actual identity. And HR now knows and has told me what they need from me to change things over in their systems. I have all of the prerequisite paperwork together; it’s just a matter of waiting, now. I’m nervous, but mostly, I’m excited.

And, though it’s an exceedingly silly thing, I bought aftershave for the first time this week. It smells kind of like it belongs to a curmudgeonly old man, and I love it. This may be the thing that pushes me into shaving more than once a week. (Not that I don’t like shaving, because I actually do: I have a wonderful double-edged safety razor that I bought myself as a “yay, I started testosterone” present, and a brush and some great soap that I got from my partner as a Christmas gift last year, and I find the whole ritual kind of soothing. I’m just lazy. Not so lazy that I won’t link to all of my shaving gear in a blog post, apparently, but lazy enough that I only end up shaving when I look really scruffy, which takes about a week these days.)

Post-Vacation Musings

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Vacation was, on the whole, lovely (though I more or less forgot to take pictures, so I can’t show you how lovely it was). Here are some things I’ve been reflecting on when looking back at the weekend:

  1. Driving through Wisconsin in the fall is actually a pretty great things to do. The trees were gorgeous, and there wasn’t as much construction as we’ve run into on some other trips, so it was a pretty relaxing drive. Being a Minnesotan, I tend to poke fun at Wisconsin quite a bit, but this trip made me think that maybe it’s an okay state after all. 😉
  2. I completely adore my nephew. Every time I see this kid I get more excited about being an Uncle Ommer and about knitting him all sorts of cozy things. (The Yoda hat was a smash, and I will shortly be starting a sweater for Christmas and a blanket for his birthday.) I was quite nervous going in, because I know he’s at that age where stranger anxiety is a thing. But though he wasn’t immediately sure of me, he never got upset, and warmed up to me pretty quickly. We were buddies for the handful of minutes I got to hold him, and that makes me unspeakably happy.
  3. While there were some frustrating things surrounding spending time with my family, none of them were so egregious that they couldn’t be outweighed by time with my partner’s family or with friends. We didn’t fit in visits with as many people as we often try to do, but the time we did get with friends felt extra special and left us feeling refreshed. Deep conversations were had, and I was able to vent when I needed to and move on.
  4. I’ve been working meditative time back into my schedule (not quite on a daily basis yet, but close). Making that time on vacation helped me feel much more centered and grounded, and I hope I can continue developing that habit.
  5. I have truly wonderful people in my life. I’m incredibly lucky.