song school

Song School 2023

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers, and welcome to Thursday! We are back from Colorado, and while re-entry into work and everyday life has been a little rough, I’d rather focus on the lovely time we had at Song School this. year.

We dropped Nova off at the boarding facility early in the morning the Friday before Song School, so that she wouldn’t need to be around for the packing and pre-trip chaos. It was really weird coming back to the house without her, but it did make it easier to get everything pulled together. Saturday we did the entire drive to Colorado in one day! It took almost exactly 16 hours, including breaks. It was a relatively uneventful trip, except that at some point in Iowa, the car started making some knocking sounds. None of the dashboard lights were coming on, and nothing felt off as we were driving, so we kept going until partway through Nebraska, when it was clearly getting progressively worse. My husband finally ended up looking up a video on YouTube that confirmed my suspicion that we might be low on oil. We pulled off at a gas station in Nebraska, added a couple of quarts, and hit the road again – adding the oil immediately silenced the knocking sounds and it was smooth sailing after that. Shortly after arriving in Colorado we hit a brief but intense cloudburst – all I could do was follow the taillights in front of us. I ended up doing most of the driving, by my own choice – there was something meditative and freeing about the drive that allowed me to let go of everything at home, everything work and school related that I was stressed about, and just be present. It meant that when we finally got to Song School, I was able to feel like I really landed there.

We stayed in a hotel Saturday night, and then Sunday afternoon we got to check into the tiny house where we stayed for the duration of Song School!

It was slightly smaller than the tiny house we stayed in last year, but still sufficiently roomy for us and our guitars for the week. We ran into other Song Schoolers at check-in, which was fun. Later that afternoon we were able to check in to Song School itself. We scoped out the campgrounds there to see how many friends we could find before turning in early in an effort to set ourselves up for success for the rest of the week.

Song School itself was really lovely! I really tried to listen to my body, and I took a few class periods off throughout the week to just sit by the river and write. I ended up getting the first draft of a new song written. On Tuesday night I got to perform at the open stage; I brought my husband and a couple of dear friends up on stage with me for harmony and we got the audience singing along by the end:

The week was, for the most part, exactly what I needed it to be.

We ended up breaking the drive back into two days – We did the first 13-ish hours to Ames, IA on Friday, and the final 3 hours or so home on Saturday. I’m glad we picked the safer choice rather than trying to push through.

I feel like I learned a lot, as always, but this year the lessons were more subtle, and more about rest than about action. I’m still figuring out how to integrate that sense of presence and being in the moment into my everyday life. I’m so grateful to my Song School friends and family for a beautiful and much needed week away.

And before I go, here are some Nova photos from her adventures at doggo camp and the last few days back at home:

Happy News

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers, and welcome to Thursday! It’s a bit of an off week here – I’m on PTO all week in order to be able to wrap up my summer class before also being on PTO all of next week for Song School. But before I get into any of that, some happy news:

Mouse got adopted on Saturday! We were down to the wire for finding her a new home, but Friday afternoon the adoption coordinator called to let us know she’d gotten an application from someone who was very excited to meet Mouse. We went in on Saturday and it was really a perfect fit – Mouse’s new mom lives out in the suburbs in a house with a good-sized yard and a 15 year old beagle. She’s been sending us occasional updates and Mouse looks so much more relaxed already. So while it’s a little sad and weird to not have her here anymore, overall it’s a good thing and the fact that she landed in such a perfect spot has made this a lot easier emotionally than we expected.

This week has been busy, but good. Monday we got to connect with our kid, a young trans chosen family member who calls us their trans dads – they were up on the north shore of Minnesota with their parter and their partner’s family. We had a lovely time hanging out and catching up – I hadn’t gotten to see them in person in four years, so it was extra wonderful to be able to hug them and hear how they were doing face-to-face.

Tuesday was mostly a rest and recovery day. Yesterday I wrote all seven pages of the first draft of my final paper for my summer class before running all over town doing pre-trip errands. This morning I had therapy, we had virtual breakfast with a dear friend, and now Nova and I are hanging out at home while my husband heads over to their parents’ house to help their family out today. I’m hoping to finish my paper today.

Tomorrow we’re taking Nova to the boarding facility early in the morning before coming home to pack – we figured we’d wait to start the packing until she was out of the house, since this week has been stressful enough for her already. And then we leave on Saturday and Song School starts on Sunday! I can’t wait to be back in that place with those people.

There will be no blog next week because I’ll be at Song School trying to stay off-grid as much as possible. In the meantime, please enjoy these Nova photos!

Winding Down

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers, and welcome to Thursday! I spent most of yesterday half-convinced it was already Thursday, so I’m glad it’s finally here.

We’re winding down our last week with Miss Mouse, and I’m having lots of feelings about it. I’m also trying to wrap up a bunch of stuff at work before I take two weeks of PTO. Next week I’m going to mostly be working on wrapping up my summer class and getting my final paper done for that, and the following week is Song School! So there’s a lot to look forward to amidst the big feelings about saying goodbye to our little Mouse.

I’m very ready to wrap up school for the summer. I’m really enjoying my Buddhist Scriptures class…and I’m really starting to feel the fact that I didn’t get any time off between spring and summer term. Thankfully, after this class wraps up I’ll have about a month before fall classes start.

Last weekend I did a fun project – I built a mechanical keyboard with a case made out of (generic) Lego! I bought the kit online after seeing several social media ads for it. I had a lot of fun putting it together, and I’m really enjoying typing with it! Here are some photos of the process:

Other than that, I’m just trying to keep my head above water at work for the next couple of days. I really need this PTO. Thankfully I didn’t feel like I really needed it until this week, but if I wasn’t taking this time off, I’d be on the fast track to burnout right now.

I will leave you, as always, with some doggo content:

Song School 2022

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers, and welcome to Thursday! We have almost made it to the weekend.

Last week there was no blog, because I was in Lyons, CO at Song School! It was an absolutely incredible week. Some of the folks we usually end up hanging out with couldn’t make it this year, but we were able to reconnect with a bunch of old friends we hadn’t seen since 2019, and we made a bunch of new friends as well. There’s nothing quite like being surrounded by a community of like-minded, creative humans.

This year, rather than camping, we stayed at a tiny house resort across the street from camp (because I didn’t want to have to figure out a battery for my APAP machine or worry about that battery exploding in the heat of the tent). It was adorable:

Planet Bluegrass (the host of Song School) continues to be one of the most beautiful places on earth:

I started off the week deciding I was going to do things that scared me, so I took performance classes with Amy Speace (who is absolutely brilliant and if you’re unfamiliar with her music, please go listen to her album Tucson right now). I volunteered to play my song in the first class and have my performance critiqued (although “critiqued” sounds harsher than it was; it was more a gentle nudging toward greater authenticity), and I learned a TON – and then I found out I’d gotten one of the last performance slots for the open stage on the last night of Song School, so I had all week to integrate what I learned. On the last day of class, we each stood up and sang a few lines of Amazing Grace (or Happy Birthday, for those who didn’t know the words), and then our classmates assigned us three attributes based on their immediate impressions of our performances – two that had positive connotations and one “shadow” word, which we then worked to turn into something we could use to ground ourselves when stepping on stage. The words the group came up with for me were kind, sincere, and reserved, which were turned into the persona of Kind, Sincere Bear. I cried. It’s nice to be seen.

Some of you have seen this on Facebook already, but the classes with Amy were honestly life-changing. Historically, when I performed, even if it was going pretty well (maybe especially if it was going pretty well), I tended to dissociate. I’d step on stage and mostly leave my body.

This performance wasn’t perfect, but I’ve never been so present in my body while playing in front of people. I’ve never had so much fun on stage; I’ve never been prouder of a performance. I will be forever grateful to Amy for the tools she gave me this week, and to all the other friends who made this week so incredible.

Lyrics:

Pen and ink and paper combine
Alchemical fire as you write the big bang
Worlds spring into existence
Ready or not, connect the dots

Stop, take a breath
Feel the magic in your chest
When you know who you are
You are born of stars

At the top, it feels like flying
Giddy with altitude, one with the sky
In this earthbound apparatus
There’s no risk, just innocence

Stop, take a breath
Feel the magic in your chest
When you know who you are
You are born of stars

Some love starts with warm beverages
Held in nervous hands as voices spill secrets
And you slowly learn to ask
If you can dare, for what they might share

Stop, take a breath
Feel the magic in your chest
When you know who you are
You are born of stars

And because I know you’re all wondering – Nova did great at the boarders. We drove all the way home on Friday (which was my husband’s birthday), leaving Lyons at around 6:30am and arriving at the boarding facility just before midnight. The report card from the facility says that Nova was “so sweet” and “the life of the party” at group playtime. (We have a popular kid, apparently…she didn’t get that from either of her parents.) I will leave you, as always, with a few pictures of our girl, who will have been with us for a WHOLE YEAR as of Sunday!

Busy, Busy

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers, and welcome to Thursday! I am rather late in posting today because it’s a busy week and, in particular, a busy Thursday for me. I am interviewing three people for an open position on my team today (in addition to everything else I usually have to do on Thursdays), which has me feeling a bit off-kilter. However! Next Thursday begins a week and a half of PTO so we can go to Song School, so things are looking up.

This whole week is busy, though. Between work being extra chaotic lately and regular homework and the final paper I’m starting to work on (and hoping to at least get to Shitty First Draft status before leaving for CO), I feel like I’m juggling a lot of things and I’m not quite sure I can keep everything in the air. I’m working on trusting my ability to manage multiple projects at once. It’s a process.

Not a lot to talk about this week, but I’ll leave you with your weekly Nova photodump:

Nervous System Regulation

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers, and welcome to Thursday! (I initially wrote that as “welcome to Thursday?” which actually feels pretty accurate right now.) It’s been a decent week so far – we’ve managed to maintain our newly-cleaned kitchen pretty well, we’ve cooked a few more times (I’m making tacos again tonight), and things are generally good.

We’re leaving in a couple of weeks for Song School, and I’m so excited. I’m also so anxious. We’re boarding Nova for the first time for this trip, and that’s a stressful thought – she has separation anxiety, but I know I do, too. (We took her to the vet yesterday to get her up-to-date on all her booster shots, and they gave us some trazodone for her to help with the anxiety of boarding and of going to the groomer.) It’s the longest trip my husband and I will have taken together since the last time we went in 2019. Instead of camping this year (since I didn’t want to figure out camping with a PAP machine), we’re staying at a tiny house resort across the street from the festival grounds where Song School happens, which is exciting but also unfamiliar. On top of the trip itself, I have a big final paper due for my one remaining summer class the Friday after we get back, so I need to start on that (thankfully I know what I’m writing about and got that approved by my professor, just waiting for the books I need to arrive so I can get going on it). And at work I’ve just kicked off the process of hiring a new person, and I know I have at least a couple more people I’ll be hiring in the next couple of months. It’s all just adding up to a lot – I have a tendency toward travel anxiety anyway, and all of these layers of stress are compounding into what feels like an unreasonable amount of nerves for something that is ultimately a thing I’m really looking forward to.

I’ve been thinking a lot about neurodivergence lately, and how that part of myself intersects with the other parts of me. I’m learning how to be gentler with myself, to acknowledge when I need accommodations in some situations, and to work out how to make those accommodations happen. Since I’m in a particularly stressful time (and a time that is going to continue to be stressful after I get back from Song School, as I’ll be taking 3 classes this fall on top of working full time), I’m really trying to focus on what my body needs and how to keep my nervous system a little more regulated amidst the stress. I am trying to lean into my self care and soul care practices that help keep me steady.

Thankfully, I have therapy this afternoon and can brainstorm additional regulatory tactics with my therapist. I’m grateful that, despite the stress, I’m feeling capable of handling everything. I know I have the capacity to do the things I need to do; I’m just learning how to honor that capacity without trying to power through things I don’t need to power through.

Anyway, I’ve rambled enough and I’m late in getting this posted, so I shall leave you with your weekly Nova photodump:

Not a morning doggo
Sleeping on dad’s pillow
Anxious at the vet, but glad she’s not alone

Missing My People

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

It’s Thursday, and I almost did not blog this week. I’m taking the week off from work, because this was supposed to be the week of Song School, and I figured I’d keep the time I’d requested back when the summer looked more optimistic.

It’s been really great to have the time off, to rest and reset. But it’s also been sad – I miss Song School so much. We’ve been doing our best to recreate parts of the experience at home.

Song School canopy in the living room!

We set up the canopy that’s usually outside of our tent at Song School in our living room – because we have no overhead light fixture, it just barely fits. We initially did it to be funny, but how it’s transformed the space has been pretty magical.

Zoom writing hangouts

We’ve also been hosting some Zoom hangouts with people from Song School. Every morning this week we’ve set up some quiet time to hang out and write for an hour, and it’s felt so good. Just seeing the faces of some of our Song School friends has helped to ground me in time and space in a way I feel like I haven’t been since the pandemic started. It’s nothing like the real Song School, but it’s been a better substitute than I thought it was going to be. We’ve had more people show up than we expected, too, which has been fun.

We also hosted a little Zoom song circle on Tuesday night (and we’re planning to again tonight), which was fun – it’s great to hear what people have been working on.

It’s hard to not be able to hug these people we love so much, to be in a place where we can’t listen to the river or see the stars. But seeing some of their faces, even just over a computer screen, has brought me so much joy even in the middle of grieving the loss of this incredibly important week in our year.

Tomorrow morning we’re hosting an extra writing session (Song School would be wrapping up tonight, if it was happening), and then we’ll fall into our familiar weekend rhythm before I start working again on Monday. I’m glad I took this time off (it’s also the most extended break I’ve had since Christmas, and I’m only just realizing how much my brain needed that), and I’m hoping it leaves me in a better place for diving back into “normal” life…as close to normal as we get these days, anyway.

It’s All About Community

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

Happy Thursday, dear readers! I am getting back into the swing of life after a wild couple of weeks, and I nearly forgot to blog – I keep thinking it’s Friday.

Last week, my partner and I made our way to the Rocky Mountain Song School in Lyons, CO. We got a late start, leaving Chicago for Lincoln, NE around 2:45 Friday afternoon, because we were trying to get the rest of the packing for our move done before we hit the road. We got to our hotel in Lincoln around 1:15am. It made for a short night.

We drove to a friend’s house in Denver the next day. It turned out her roommates were gone, and she was dog-sitting for some other friends, so after we hung out for a while, she left to do that and we had the house to ourselves. It was nice – I was especially exhausted, and was able to crash early.

The next morning, we got breakfast with friends who just moved to Denver from Chicago. It was great to see them, and after we ate we went for a little stroll around the neighborhood to look at street art. Then we drove back to the house, packed up our stuff, and headed up to Lyons. It was a bit rainy on the way there, but thankfully by the time we got there and were setting up, it had stopped.

It was so good to be back at Planet Bluegrass. The details of the individual days are a little muddled in my brain, but it was a great time. Monday I took a couple of classes that involved writing to some prompts, and that generated some ideas that led to me writing a complete set of lyrics to a new song that night. Over the next two days, I worked out music for it (my first attempt was entirely too moody, which I realized after another class), and Wednesday night I got to perform it at the open stage, with eight of my favorite humans, who came up with harmonies literally fifteen minutes before we went on to perform. It was incredible.

Practice

Practicing/learning harmonies 15 minutes before going on stage (Photo Credit: Rah Foard)

Performing

Performing at the open stage (Photo Credit: Rah Foard)

Other highlights of the week:

  • I made it my mission to do new things. I took a bunch of classes that intimidated me, and stayed out of my comfort zone most of the time.
  • I went swimming! It was my first time going shirtless in public (it’s been almost three years since I had top surgery). It felt good.
  • I reconnected with some of my very favorite people. I was surrounded by the most incredible community, and the safety that community created gave me the courage to try new things, take risks, and get out of my comfort zone. I was continuously reminded of how important community is, even to an introvert like me. Life doesn’t happen in isolation.

It’s been a whirlwind since we got back. We got home Saturday evening, and picked my partner’s dad up from Union Station (we borrowed his car for our trip, and so he came down to help us move and to get his car back). Sunday we did a lot of running back and forth between apartments. Monday, I headed off to work, and my partner and his dad coordinated with the movers to get the bulk of our stuff over to the new apartment! At this point, we have I think 99% of our stuff over at the new place, and we’ve been sleeping there all week. It’s a chaos of boxes, but last night my partner got most of the kitchen unpacked (I’m feeling under the weather and crashed early – hoping I can be more useful with the rest of the unpacking), and we HAVE to have everything unpacked by Saturday morning, because that’s when the reusable boxes are being picked back up. So…it’s going to be a bonkers couple of days. But it’s a great new space, and it’s already starting to feel like home.

Move and Vacation

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

We are inching ever closer to our move date, and the number of packed boxes in our apartment has increased since last week. We’ve been coordinating some maintenance needs with the new landlord so that we don’t need to have them come and fix things when we’re actually there.

We’re down to the wire for packing now, though.

My partner has been in Minnesota for the past few days, hanging out with his parents before borrowing his dad’s car to drive to Song School. He gets back into town this afternoon. We leave for Song School tomorrow.

I am so excited for Song School, for seeing dear friends and digging into the practice of songwriting. I am also worried that I’ll struggle to be present, knowing that we move two days after we get back. I’m hoping I’ll be able to set that aside and fully engage while we’re on this trip.

On that note: there will be no blog next week, as I will be in Colorado and off my phone as much as possible. The next time I write a blog will be from our new apartment!

On My Mind

/ Alyxander James / Leave a comment

I nearly missed getting this blog written today – I meant to write last night but then suddenly wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to go to bed. I’m still not feeling great, but I wanted to get a blog out anyway, so here we are. These are some of the things that have been on my mind this week (that are mostly unrelated to the consistent undercurrent of the world being on fire and US politics being a horrifying shitshow):

  • This stellar HuffPo article: “Everything You Know About Obesity is Wrong”. As someone who struggled with weight fluctuations for years and who has, in the past, had an extremely disordered relationship to food, this resonated so powerfully. I’m so lucky to have a doctor now who respects me as a person and doesn’t write all my problems off as being “because you’re fat.” Not everyone is so lucky.
  • This speech Anne Hathaway gave when accepting an ally award from the HRC. I am not about giving cookies to allies just for being decent human beings, and I have my reservations about the HRC, but I think Anne Hathaway provides a good example of how to do allyship correctly. Also, there were pieces of this speech that made me cry, so…that’s a thing.
  • Songwriting! Last Friday my partner and I went to an all-day songwriting workshop at the Old Town School, and it was fan-fucking-tastic. On Sunday we’re gathering again to share our homework from the workshop. I got one song that I think I actually rather like out of what I’ve done so far, and I have some other ideas percolating. This was the most writing I’ve done since Song School, so that felt good. Also, on Saturday I’m taking the stage at Silvie’s here in Chicago with over 40 of my fellow Chicagoland musicians to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the Acoustic Explosion, which is the Monday night show I’ve played a handful of times a year for the past few years. I’m so excited for a night of music with this community I adore.

That’s it from me for this week, but once again, I’d love to hear from you, dear readers! What’s been on your mind this week?